Let Them, Let Me
/You might be seeing a lot of media interviews with Mel Robbins right now. She has a new book out called The Let Them Theory. I listened to the Audible version of the book last week preparing for a month of online classes I’m teaching on this theory.
The gist of the theory is that we can say to ourselves, “let them” when we feel stressed about someone making a decision we don’t like, following a political party we don’t agree with, saying something mean about us behind our back, dropping the ball on a task, or leaving us out of a gathering. Let them. Let them make that decision. Let them think that. Let them go on without me. Let them drop the ball. Let them.
She is offering the reader a way to find inner peace by not engaging in the fight, controlling others, or creating our own stress by being upset by what someone else is doing or saying. What they do and say is completely out of our control, but somehow we fall into the trap of thinking it is ours to fix, our job to help them avoid pain, or that we get to control how they do things.
Robbins is helping us remember that we can’t control other people, we can only control ourselves.
This is the newest version of teachings and sayings like: let it go, release, surrender, detach, allow. The phenomenon of releasing our desire to control an outcome is ancient wisdom, but we humans seem to need reminders often, repackaged in new ways.
Mel Robbins posted on Instagram her own personal experience with surrendering the control of her son’s prom details and then surrendering to the pain of being left out of a circle of friends, and her posts went viral. People loved her idea of “let them” as a path to inner peace and now she is on the top of the bestseller list with a book, a new twist on how to let it go.
The part I really like in her book, is the second part of her teaching: “Let Me.”
After we decide to let them think/do/behave the way they choose to, then we say to ourselves: now let me decide what is within my control and what I will do next. “Let me…” is empowering us to remember that we have agency over our actions and can control what happens inside of us emotionally. This reminds us that our locus of control is inside us and studies in psychology have shown that our well-being improves when we remember: how I feel inside is completely up to me and my actions are my own decisions.
There are deeper layers to this of course, but I wanted to give you an introduction to the hot new thing everyone seems to be talking about on the bestseller list right now.
So, here are some quick examples of Let Them, Let Me in action:
A friend repeatedly cancels plans with you - “Let them live chaotically and forget their commitments, let me invest my time into people I can depend upon and are as committed to a friendship as I am.”
A teenage or adult child spends their money irresponsibly in your opinion - “Let them choose to spend their money in that way and find out their own consequences, let me stop giving them money and instead invest that money into a new hobby that I am interested in.”
A spouse or partner doesn’t respond quickly to your texts or calls - “Let them be absorbed in their task at hand, let me not give meaning to this and imagine that it is because they don’t love me or respect me.”
A co-worker takes credit for something you created - “Let them steal the credit for this one, let me know that I am the one with the talent that created this and I will create opportunities from here on out that ensure my efforts are recognized.”
A relative posts something on social media that feels like an attack on your beliefs - “Let them post what they believe, let me not take that as a personal attack and instead engage with social media in a way that helps me feel peaceful instead of upset.”
Someone publicly doubts your business idea or decision - “Let them think this is a bad idea and have their doubts, let me invest my time and energy in what lights up my soul and feels exciting to me.”
A parent pressures you to pick a career path that is different than what you want to pursue - “Let them have an expectation of me and tell me their desires, let me remember to honor myself and my dreams, even if it is a different path from what they envision for me.”
Let Them, Let Me is a tool to help us remember that we will find more peace when we release the need to control others while actively choosing how we want to show up in our life situations and relationships.
This is a tool that helps us balance the art of releasing people to live their lives while also designing the life we desire. A tool that can help us make being human a little easier for ourselves.
Onward,
