Sit with It (and have a chat)

"Sit with it." has become a phrase you see on social media, might hear from a therapist, or maybe a friend would give you this advice.

"Sit with it" is often used to mean the opposite of "run with it" or "go with it." When we have a great idea and someone says "run with it" that sounds encouraging, exciting, and validating. It is like a stamp of approval on the idea.

We might hear "sit with it" when it comes to a big decision and we aren't clear yet on which direction to proceed. We might hear it when we have a difficult emotion like frustration or insecurity.

The phrase "sit with it" likely is intended to remind us to observe, notice, get curious, gain awareness, or open up to something we can't see quite yet. It is an invitation to take your time and think it through.

As Americans, we aren't great with sitting with anything. We like to find solutions, give opinions, sweep feelings under the rug, distract ourselves, and move on.

In my online classes this month, we are talking about grief and loss. This is something that Americans are not very comfortable with. In fact, some of the class members wanted to skip this topic and do something more fun. What I realized during Covid, in a time of loss for everyone, is that we need more training around grief and loss before we experience grief and loss. If everyone keeps avoiding talking about the yuck of life, the yuck of life is devastating. If we started normalizing the yuck as part of the human experience, then our brain doesn't sound the alarm that we are lost in the wilderness and may not survive.

Think of the feeling you are most afraid to feel. In the exercise below, we are going to sit with that feeling, but instead of sitting quietly, we are going to invite it to have a conversation with us.
You can do this as a written or verbal exercise. It is done by yourself and involves your imagination and an open mind. I'm using Grief as an example.

Invite Grief to sit down beside you. (personify Grief like it was someone you don't really like or agree with, but are willing to have a conversation with and ask some questions)

Begin a conversation with something along the lines of:
"Hi Grief."
"Hi Ginger."
"I'm not sure I like you very much."
"Why is that?"
"You are someone I try to avoid."
"Why do you want to avoid me?"
"I guess I'm afraid that once you show up you will never leave."
"What is scary about that?"
"I don't want to live in sadness, I don't want to feel lost."

Wait for Grief's response - really imagine Grief is having a conversation with you. Where does it go from here? Is there something to be learned? Does Grief help you see something new? Could Grief be a partner, not an adversary? Is Grief a little less scary after this conversation?

I have used this tool to have conversations with frustration, failure, guilt, shame, sadness, fear, and many other emotions I don't like. I am often surprised by where the conversation goes and what new insights I gain. These emotions are actually not as awful as I imagine them to be.

If "sit with it" brings up a lot of resistance when you hear it, try adding a friendly chat with the feeling you are sitting with. Reframe "sit with it" into "learn from it, get to know it a little better."

Remember, we are all students in this life experience. We have never done this before. Every day is a new day in school - some classes are easy and some are hard. Grief-and-Loss is one of the hardest curriculums we will face in our lives. If you want to learn more about surviving it, scroll down to the Online Class section below and sign up. I'm bringing in guest speakers and you will hear from classmates about their own complicated grief and loss experiences. You don't have to navigate the tough stuff alone.

This week, I invite you to have a chat with the emotions you fear and see what happens. "Sit with it" doesn't have to mean sit and be miserable, it can mean "slow down, observe, engage, learn, and move forward."

Sending love to you as you sit and chat,
Ginger