Connecting over Correcting
/As you gather with family and friends this week, you might encounter some sensitive moments of discussion around divisive topics, differing opinions, or past hurts. Remember that our relationships with loved ones are more important than someone being right about something. In our country right now there are a lot of things to talk about, and we all want to be right. But as compassionate people, we can make more progress in getting people to listen to us if they first feel loved and safe. When someone feels under attack, their brain cannot receive your opinion or contribution to the conversation. If all brains around the table feel safe, the conversations can be thoughtful and kind.
An easy way to stay thoughtful and kind is to think of connecting with someone rather than correcting their thinking. When we feel safe, we are more likely to be curious and explore new ideas.
Before your gathering, think through what topics will likely be raised and how you want to handle them. Having a plan ahead of the event, helps you manage your brain and move out of the fear center into the calm thoughtful center. When you are afraid of conflict, your brain sounds the alarms at any indication that conflict is beginning to occur. When you have a plan of how you want to handle the conflict, you move out of your amygdala (fear center) and into your frontal cortex which allows you to be rational, logical, and clear thinking. With a plan, you can be your calmest self and not become reactive to a fear of conflict rising.
Start your gathering with a tone of love and respect for every person there.
See the good within each person. Try to give thought to what pains them and scares them. When we remember that we are all walking around concerned and worried, then we are more likely to have compassion for one another. Often the more someone is living in fear, the more irritable they are. Instead of arguing with that person, see if you can approach them gently like you would approach a child who was afraid.
Here are some prompts to help you move the conversation toward connection rather than topics that tempt us toward correction. Have a couple of these in your pocket to ask an individual or use them to have everyone share around the table.
Who’s had the greatest impact on your life?
Where is the most beautiful place you’ve ever been?
What are some of your happiest family memories?
If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?
What has being a member of this family taught you?
What’s a typical day like for you?
What are you looking forward to in the coming months?
What do you love to do so much that it makes you lose track of time?
These questions will help you learn more about those you love and may lead to new insights about those around the table.
I also understand that we all have that one person who can push our buttons and it’s hard to always take the high road. Give yourself permission to disappear for a few moments of self-compassion. Take a quick walk, sit in a quiet room, or seek out the kindest person in the room. Remember that you are a good person and talk to yourself with loving encouragement.
Holidays are lovely and holidays are hard. We are all trying to find our way. Follow where your heart leads you and take the path of love - that can never be wrong.
You are loved and I am grateful for you,
