More Curiosity, Less Comparison
/“Social comparison” was a term first coined in the 1950’s by psychologist Leon Festinger. His theory was that comparing ourselves to one another was good for the evolution of the species - if we are comparing ourselves, we will strive to better ourselves and improve as a species.
However, Festinger couldn’t foresee the invention of social media. We are swimming in unhealthy social comparison today. It isn’t helping the species, it is hurting us deeply. Here is a little taste of what researchers at the National Institutes of Health are writing about social comparison due to social networking sites (SNSs):
Research has found that SNSs can decrease psychological well-being due to unfavorable social comparison or envy (Krasnova et al. 2013; Verduyn et al. 2015). Specifically, Facebook use predicts upward social comparison, which negatively influences individuals’ self-esteem and well-being over time, whereas Instagram use has a direct negative effect on psychological well-being (Schmuck et al. 2019). SNS use is a strong predictor of social comparison, which is positively related to the fear of missing out and depressive symptoms through rumination and negatively related to global self-worth, self-perceived physical appearance, and self-perceived social acceptance (Burnell et al. 2019; Feinstein et al. 2013). Individuals with greater social comparison orientation derived from low self-esteem have worse mental health, as they are more likely to hurt themselves psychologically (Jang et al. 2016).
Okay, so that’s depressing…but here is the good news, we can combat the negative effects of social comparison by remembering one word - curiosity.
Curiosity invites us to find out more. Curiosity helps us remember that things might not mean what we first think they mean. Curiosity leads us through life asking questions rather than making judgements.
Next time you are scrolling through social media, consider some of these questions with open curiosity:
Why do I think she is beautiful?
What about him makes me think he’s successful?
What am I hoping to feel if I were that size?
What is it that I truly want, instead of just wanting what he has?
What might be going on behind the scenes in that family?
How badly do I want that and what am I willing to do to get it?
Often, we see an image and notice something we don’t have, then we shame ourselves for not having it. See if you can interrupt that tendency with asking yourself questions like these as you scroll. Introducing curiosity helps to interrupt the inner critic before the social comparison to shame cycle begins.
One of my favorite tools to help me with curiosity is a question I ask myself: how could I see this differently? It might be someone’s body in a photo and I start wishing I looked like her. If I ask myself how can I see this differently, I might notice her loving eyes, I might think about how that photo was airbrushed, I might think about her muscular genetics, I might think about all she has gone through in her life and she works out as an escape. Any of these alternatives will help me to avoid the downward spiral of my own body shame by inviting me into curiosity instead of comparison.
Another tool for curiosity I like to use if I’m noticing someone’s fancy professional title, accomplishments, car, home, or clothing: why does that feel important to me? Most times my answer has something to do with how that person must feel in their fancy stuff. My brain wants to tell me that they must feel successful and confident. But you and I both know, we can have all of that fancy stuff and still be miserable on the inside. So, I have to dig deeper to find out why I notice that stuff and why it matters to me. I have to explore my need for external validation and focus instead on internal validation. When I get curious, then I notice the sting of comparison diffuses away.
More Curiosity, Less Comparison.
Let’s all work on that this week.
Try These:
Next time you notice that you are comparing yourself to someone else, get curious about the behavior you wish you didn’t do, or the behavior you wish you did do. Look inward at why you do what you do, instead of spending time thinking about what that person does or doesn’t do.
If you play a sport and are comparing yourself to others, instead of the talk-track that shames your performance, ask yourself: I really like how she did that, how could I improve that skill in myself?
If you are comparing yourself to people who seem to have found their purpose, but you can’t find yours, follow your curiosity. What do you want to learn more about? What are you interested in? What do you love to talk about? What do you admire that other people are doing?
Get curious this week,
