Cry More

Crying is an experience that all of us know and share as part of our human experience. We cry when we are sad, stressed, relieved, happy, exhausted, in pain, angry, disappointed, surprised, empathetic, experiencing love, experiencing loss, laughing really hard, and while cutting onions.

I watched a movie by myself this weekend and a sad scene really hit me. I was surprised by how it made me start crying and really surprised as my crying continued. Afterwards, I realized I needed a good cry. It felt like a release of stuff I didn’t even know I had stored.

And because my brain works the way it does, I started thinking about the science and psychology of crying and wondered what research had been published on the topic. After the movie, I went down a rabbit trail of tears and wanted to share some of these things with you today.

Interestingly, crying is something that hasn’t been deeply scientifically studied. The Hebrew Bible refers to crying as one’s heart melting. We know Jesus wept. So did a lot of biblical characters. We know babies communicate with us through crying. Voltaire called tears “the silent language of grief.” In 1872, Charles Darwin said it was “purposeless.” Poets, philosophers, and Shakespeare have written a lot about tears and broken hearts. Danish scientist, Niels Stensen, discovered the lacrimal gland as the physical source of tears and thought their only purpose was to keep the eye moist. More recently, the stress chemicals cortisol and adrenaline have been found in tears which would mean stress literally leaves our bodies when we cry.

In my research on the research, I found the work of Michael Trimble, a behavioral neurologist at University College London who said:

The same neuronal areas of the brain are activated by seeing someone emotionally aroused as being emotionally aroused oneself. There must have been some point in time, evolutionarily, when the tear became something that automatically set off empathy and compassion in another. Actually being able to cry emotionally, and being able to respond to that, is a very important part of being human.

Did you catch that?

Crying is good for us, it helps us develop more empathy and compassion.

Crying signals that you need support. Think about how babies cry to get their needs met. They are signaling that they need support from their caregivers. Crying is communication - to another person and to ourselves.

Crying can help us bond to one another.

It invites us into deeper conversations, increased awareness, and more meaningful lives. So let’s stop apologizing for tears. Instead, let them be a signal to pay attention to our own souls and the souls of people around us.

See if you can give yourself permission to cry. Find a safe place alone or safe people to cry with. Free of judgement. Free of expectations. Free of responsibilities. Release what you have been holding in. Let music, movies, memories, or the beauty of nature help you. Some clients tell me that my counseling office is their safe place to cry. Hire a professional if you have to.

When something brings tears to your eyes, embrace it, feel it, be in that moment. Something really big is happening. (when it isn’t onions and maybe even when it is)

See tears as an invitation into being fully human.

Tears signal feelings that deserve loving attention. Love yourself through your tears and be fully present for someone else’s tears. You don’t have to fix anything, just listen.

Crying is communication from the soul. Let’s all compassionately pay attention to our souls this week.

Sending love to you,