But I want you to...

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Think of the people in your life. How much time do you spend wishing they would do something different than they do?

Consider your children, spouses, parents, siblings, in-laws, parents, neighbors, co-workers, classmates, friends, roommates, and the list goes on. Do you want them to:

  • Behave a certain way

  • Say things you can agree with

  • Act like you want them to act

  • Do what you want them to do

  • Wear something you approve of

  • Think the way you think

  • Vote for who you vote for

  • Look like the person you want them to be

  • Live a certain way

  • Like the same restaurants you like 

  • Value what you value

We spend a lot of time wanting the people in our lives to make the choices we want them to make. Then we are frustrated with them when they don’t. This tension underlies many of our relationship struggles. 

How hard is it for you to give people space to be who they are? 

If you like to control what others do (which most of us do!), it might help to explore why that is. 

  • Does it make you feel safer when people behave the way you want them to?

  • Will society judge you because you associate with them?

  • How does [what they do] reflect upon you? 

  • Is there a story you believe about why they choose what they choose?

  • Does it mean something about them if they [fill in the blank]?

  • Does it mean something about you if they [fill in the blank]?

Suffering comes when we wish people were different than they are. 

I wish she…. I wish he…. I wish they…. Those statements actually cause suffering in both of us. Suffering for them and suffering for you. For them: they know you are dissatisfied with them and they feel conditional love from you. For you: you can’t control what they do and you know you should have unconditional love for them but you don’t. So both parties end up suffering. 

Notice how many times this week you are desiring to control someone’s behaviors. Try developing a few phrases to tell yourself when you notice your desire to shape the behaviors of others. With some practice, these can help you release control and return to love. Here are a few examples: 

  • I accept and love you just as you are.

  • I release the need to control you.

  • I am grateful for you in my life. 

  • My expectations of you are unfair. 

  • I surrender my desire to control you. 

  • I love you unconditionally. 

A key to finding inner peace is to release the need to control others.

Let them be who they are. Let them choose their own path. Let them have different views. Let them wear what they want to wear. Let them do what they want to do. Let them see the issue differently than you do. 

There is a lot of potential for peace in the “let them” mindset. Releasing control and accepting people as they can bring transformational growth in our relationships. Try “hmmm, that is interesting” instead of “I wish you would…” and see what you notice this week. 

If resistance to this practice is coming up inside you, just explore that a bit deeper. Why does this feel so uncomfortable? It’s exhausting to keep everyone on the path you want them on. It wedges you away from people when you wish they were different than they are. See if you can release the need to control people just one notch this week.

We can do one notch,