Meaning Making
/We are really good meaning makers.
Have you ever had any of these thoughts?
They didn’t text me back, they don’t care about me at all.
She doesn’t want to date me anymore, I will be alone the rest of my life.
My kids spend a lot of time in their rooms, I must be a bad mom.
My boss hasn’t said anything about my project, that must mean it was awful.
I wasn’t invited to the party, high school is going to be awful.
He is very absorbed with his phone tonight, he must be having an affair.
I don’t have a job, I’m nothing and have no life purpose.
My jeans are tighter than they were, it’s because I’m so undisciplined and lazy.
My spouse works a lot, he clearly doesn’t want to spend time with me.
She was acting strange today, I must have done something to make her mad.
I didn’t make Varsity, all of my training was for nothing.
My friend looks really healthy and happy, nothing is ever going to work for me.
I need to cancel and not go to that event, my friend will never forgive me.
They didn’t ask me for advice, they don’t value what I know.
You might have read some of these and thought, “you can’t assume that.” And you are right!
Yet, how many times have you done this to yourself? Think of when you gave something meaning that was likely benign or you found out later you were wrong about it.
Our brains are always on the look out for danger looming. That is the job of our brain - to keep us safe. So we are hard-wired to jump to some of these conclusions because it is our brain’s way of sounding alarms that danger may be looming. However, the stories we make up often create more problems for us than solutions.
Another thing happening in our brain is that our ego likes to make everything about us. We give meaning to things as if we are the center of the universe and then we are mad when we aren’t. We have to become the watcher of our ego and know when it is getting us into trouble.
A practical tool that I have found helpful is one in which I distinguish fact from the-story-I’m-making-up-about-that-fact.
The facts are the first part of each of those examples above. Those things happened. The story I’m making up is the second part of those examples. I’m giving meaning to the fact. I’m interpreting it, assuming things, twisting it, turning on myself, turning on them, imagining the worst, and jumping to conclusions. The second part of those examples is entirely my imagination. The only thing true is the first part of the example. The second part is me being a meaning maker.
This week, experiment with noticing facts without adding meaning. Observe that they didn’t text you back, but don’t make that mean something about you, them, or your relationship. Observe someone acting strange and leave it at that. Observe your children, but don’t make their behaviors mean something about the quality of your parenting.
When we make up meanings, we often create more complications for ourselves. We assume our assumptions are true and then we start behaving negatively as a result. We punish ourselves or the other person for something we are imagining to be true. We get resentful and snarky. We close the doors on relationships.
Being a meaning maker often makes life harder for us.
Sticking with just the facts, is a path to peace.
Observe things, but resist making up stories about what it means.
Life can be more peaceful with less chatter of made-up stories in your mind.
I’m working on liberating from the mind-chatter along with you.