Shoulding on Ourselves

Do you should on yourself?

I should be…

I should do…

I should feel…

I should have…

I should think…

I should want…

And

I shouldn’t be…

I shouldn’t do…

I shouldn’t feel…

I shouldn’t have…

I shouldn’t think…

I shouldn’t want…

When we do this to ourselves, our brains actually feel there is a threat to our safety. A thought that begins with “should” or “shouldn’t” triggers your brain with messages of: I’m not okay as-is, something is wrong with me, I must change, I am wrong, I’m a failure, I messed up, I lack discipline, etc.

Research shows that this threat leads to lower levels of motivation, higher levels of anxiety, increased self-criticism, higher levels of guilt and shame, increased burnout, as well as hopelessness and depression. (if you want to dig deeper, see the work of Carl Rogers, Albert Ellis, and articles in the following journals: Cognitive Therapy and Research, Self and Identity, Personality and Individual Differences, Motivation and Emotion, Journal of Counseling Psychology, Behavior Therapy)

What surprised me in the most recent clinical research on “shoulding” is the negative impact upon our motivation levels. Should and shouldn’t have the opposite effect as I thought they did. I thought shoulds would make me a better person, but the opposite is true. Shoulds make me a shameful, guilt-filled, unmotivated, anxious, angry human. Something we thought would help us is actually hurting us and those we love.

Research shows that behaviors are less likely to change when we “should” ourselves or others. 

So let’s stop shoulding on ourselves and everyone around us. 

We should on our kids, our families, our coworkers, our friends. What if you stopped saying “should” or “shouldn’t”? Can you taste the freedom? And maybe greater motivation? And certainly better connections with those we love?

This week, try replacing should and shouldn’t with some of these:

I would like to…

I choose to…

I want to…

I could…

I will…

I can…

It benefits me to…

I’m working toward…

It would be useful to…

It would be helpful if…

It is important to me to…

Instead of “shoulds” that bring obligation, pressure, demands, rigidity, and shame, these phrases help us capture the essence of hope, desire, empowerment, and self-compassion. Play with it this week and see what you notice in your own life. 

Cleaning up the shoulds,