Know Your Triggers

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A client of mine had major surgery when he was young that kept him from being able to participate in youth sports. Now a young adult, he has an intense fear of weakness. He even works out to the point of exhaustion, just to prove to himself that he’s not weak. All because of how devastating and traumatic that surgery and its after-effects were for him as a kid. Weakness, for him, is what’s known as a “trigger.”

Do you ever have a strong reaction to someone's behavior and you’re surprised by how deeply it affected you? Likely, their behavior hit upon one of your triggers.

Any event that threatens your primal need for safety will be deeply hardwired into you, causing your amygdala to light up—be triggered—any time something makes you feel a similar way.

Triggers are points of internal emotional stress. People sometimes bump up against our stress points and we’re surprised by how much it hurts.

Think of it as a cut on your finger that you accidentally spill lemon juice on. It stings. You’re suddenly reminded that the cut is there.

Triggers are those cuts; they’re wounds from the past we might not think about, but really hurt when someone hits one. They also remind us there’s still some healing needed in that area.

Our subconscious is like a sponge—it soaks up the events that have a large emotional impact. And that’s where triggers come from. They indicate areas of pain that are still raw for us—signs that we’re experiencing the past in the present moment. Many times, they’re related to areas of past trauma, deep hurt, shame, or judgment. They’re unhealed emotional wounds that are still tender to the touch.

A trigger signals our nervous system to sound the alarms that we are in emotional danger or that something feels threatening to us. And while it may feel like we are angry when we are triggered, often, there is real pain that lies underneath that anger.

Here are some common triggers in our lives:

  • Being judged or criticized

  • Feeling excluded or forgotten

  • When someone repeatedly corrects you

  • Feeling taken advantage of

  • Being ignored or interrupted

  • Noticing that you’re being manipulated

  • Someone trying to control you

  • Your boundaries being ignored

  • Being belittled or dismissed

  • Someone treating you with disregard or disrespect

It is natural to feel emotionally threatened by these kinds of behaviors—they hurt. None of these things feel good. If you have been subjected to these repeatedly, you are more likely to be emotionally triggered when they occur.

Many times, our triggers are open wounds from our past that were never tended to. If you were often manipulated as a child, then another adult manipulating you today brings up that old pain. If you were a child who was often interrupted, then today as a parent, you might snap angrily at your child when they interrupt you.

It is important work for us to understand and heal our triggers. Hurt people hurt people.

If we can tend to our own wounds, we are less likely to inflict pain upon someone else.

Triggers are an invitation to look inside yourself a little deeper. Even naming a trigger is a huge step. If you can recognize it, then you can work at becoming more of an observer. Just knowing why you feel the way you do is an extremely helpful way to start coaching yourself with compassion through triggering events. Try to see your triggered moments as a message that this tender part of you needs extra compassion and love. Be gentle with yourself and with everyone you encounter. We are all walking around with tender areas from past pain.

TRY THESE

1. To help uncover what triggers you may have, ask yourself the following questions:

  • Is there an area where I feel extra defensive or easily offended?

  • Does someone do a certain thing that they think is benign

    but that really upsets me?

  • Does something really get to me and I’m aren't sure why?

  • Is there an insult or criticism that hurts me deeper than others?

  • What makes me angry in the moment, but when I reflect later, it feels like I overreacted?

  • What makes my blood boil?

2. Give yourself the healing love and kindness you’ve longed for. The next time you notice that you feel triggered emotionally, try this self-compassion practice: place your hand on your heart and say to yourself, "[your name], you are triggered right now by [the person/words/behaviors/setting]. You are safe and I am with you. This is coming up now to be healed. Let's send love to the wound and remember that you are loved, lovable, and loving."

We all have triggers and we can learn to love ourselves through those tough moments.

I’m with you on this journey toward more self-compassion,