File It With Care

I notice a lot of my clients have regrets over decisions they have made in the past. They will tell me the story and I often notice they have filed something in the “bad” file when I can see it might be mis-filed in their figurative filing cabinet of life, often it isn’t as bad as they are telling themselves it was. I might respond to their story with something like: “you have filed that away in the bad decision file, but I think we need to consider filing that story in a different file now.” 

We make life decisions and then afterward, we decide if it goes in the “good decision” file or the “bad decision” file.  

Which file is bigger in your figurative filing cabinet?

Maybe it is time to re-file some of those memories.

We get to decide if we made a bad decision or a good decision. What might look like a bad decision at first could have actually helped you get to where you are today. What might have hurt in the short term, helped you in the long term.  

I started my private coaching practice in a small office above an Italian restaurant in Kansas City in 2017. The office had a waiting area and a room that fit two chairs and a bookshelf. It was cozy and my clients and I loved that quirky space. But as my practice grew, I wanted to be able to host group classes and build a team. So, after three years in that cozy nook, I took a leap of faith and rented a large commercial retail space. The new space was set up for two counseling offices and a workshop area to host groups. I tripled my operational expenses, purchased tables and chairs, and was counting on full classes to offset the cost. I moved into that new space on March 1, 2020. Before I could host my first class, the world shut down due to COVID-19.  

My inner critic had a heyday, telling me this was a horrible business decision. I was on the hook for tripling my expenses and now had no way to increase revenue because people were mandated to stay home. My vision for building a community of learning, growing, and exploring new topics together vanished in a matter of days. And, I was bleeding money.

I filed this decision in the “big mistake” file. Every time I walked into the beautifully decorated, set-up-for-classes office, I reminded myself how much it was costing me and how stupid I was to take on this large expense. Every day, I kept adding more evidence to the “big mistake” file.

In August of 2020, I decided that I needed to generate revenue somehow, so I started an online group, the Compassion Fix Community. I taught via Zoom on a new topic every month, and weekly we met to dive into deep, compelling, rich discussions about that topic. Three years later, this group is still meeting weekly and we’ve added new members over time. The people in the class are some of the most amazing humans I have met. They have undergone transformations that amaze all of us. It has been a gift to host that group and watch our lives change for the better as we learn together.  

I think I filed the office move in the wrong file.

It actually wasn’t a “big mistake.” Signing that lease led me to create something amazing. Plus, I loved Zooming in that beautiful space. I loved that I believed in myself when I signed the lease. I am proud of myself for taking the leap of faith. What if it was actually one of my best business decisions, not my worst business decision?

Can you pull out the “bad decision” file and revisit some of those memories now? How did those things actually serve to help you?

Our brain defaults to reminding us of our mistakes in hopes that it keeps us safer in the future. It actually defaults to exaggerating how horrible it was to make extra-sure we don’t repeat that mistake again.

We are wired to recall mistakes. It helps us survive. But we can work with our brain to find the nuance in the situation. Almost always, good can be found in everything. We have to help our brain see it. Give some thought to your inner files and be sure you have file things carefully and thoughtfully, with a big does of self-compassion.

Try This:

Bring to mind a decision that you have told yourself was a bad decision. What good came of it? What did you learn because of that decision? Can you stop beating yourself up about it now?

Pull it out of the “bad decision” file and move it to the “I learned a lot” file.

Revisiting my “bad decision” file with you today,