With Me

My children returned to their two Manhattans on Sunday (our son in Manhattan, Kansas and daughter in NYC) and I went into a deep funk of sadness. Logically, I know I will see them in three weeks and they will be home for a month, but emotionally it was hard to see them leave after a fun holiday together. 

In my funk, I tried out a new tool that helped so I want to share it with you today. 

After moping around most of the day, I said to myself: sadness is with me today.

This is different than a statement of I am sad. And it felt very different. This tiny shift matters. Instead of becoming identified with the emotion of sadness, I could notice it and give it some distance. It was a companion beside me, not my entirety. Saying this reminded me that sadness is just a temporary visitor whereas I am sad usually feels more daunting and permanent to my brain. 

Try it next time you are sad and see if you can notice a shift in your relationship with the emotion. Here are some variations to give you a feel for other applications:

• Stress is showing up right now. 

• Anxiety is with me today. 

• Confusion is spending the hour with me. 

• Overwhelm has paid a visit. 

• Frustration is present. 

And you can add a dose of encouragement if that feels right:

• Grief is with me and that makes sense. 

• Jealousy is here and understandable.

• Uncertainty is with me and I can still take a tiny step forward. 

• Fear is with me and yet courage is too. 

This is a practice of noticing, allowing, and offering kindness in the midst of an emotional moment.

We aren’t running from the feeling, trying to cancel it, or feeling angry it arose. Instead, we are noticing, easing into it, accepting its presence, remembering it will pass, and supporting ourselves through the discomfort. 

If you want to take this further, you can look at your emotional companion with curiosity. Where do I feel this in my body? What might sadness have to teach me or offer to me today? What would help me get through this rough time? Am I making it heavier with exaggerated stories I’m telling myself? (e.g. their childhood is over and it will never be the same again and my happiness is forever cancelled, or something extra dramatic like that!)

We can also do the “with me” practice with peace, love, and joy. Joy is with me. Love is with me. Peace is with me. 

When an affirmation such as I am peaceful doesn’t ring true, these phrases are more helpful. Phrases like this can be helpful reminders in stressful times because peace, love, joy are always accessible to counter stress…we just forget about that. This practice also helps to build our awareness of times where we naturally notice peace, love, and joy in our life but might forget to notice and soak it up.

Try thinking love is with me when you are petting a dog, receive a kind text, feel a little nervous, or when you crawl into bed at night. This isn’t pretending everything is perfect. You can feel love with sadness, with grief, and with uncertainty. They often travel together: love is with me, even here.

Typically I want to distract myself from emotional pain with a thought such as: what could I do to make this go away?

But gently admitting that sadness was with me on Sunday, shifted me into: what would help me while this is here?

So I made hot tea, completed a jigsaw puzzle, went out to dinner with my husband Rob who was feeling the same way, talked about how I was feeling, then put on favorite pajamas, and read a book I’m enjoying. Sadness was beside me the whole time, but I noticed that allowing it to be there took away its sting. 

We all feel waves of emotions daily.

They come and go. Show up and recede. This is part of being human. Practices like this make it a little easier. 

Hope is with me again and I’m sending it to you,