Facts and Stories

If you feel anxious about something, it might help to check in with facts versus stories. Many times, we feel anxious because we are using our imagination to create stories that are likely not true. We imagine what people are thinking. We imagine how people will react. We imagine what might happen. Many times these things are figments of our imagination that lead us to worrying more than we need to.

Here is an example. I worked with a client who was anxious about her daughter’s upcoming wedding. In addition to worrying about all of the details, she was very nervous to see her ex-husband and his new wife. She was already feeling insecure about a lot of things and then she went to her dress fitting two weeks before the wedding date. She was telling me how she panicked when she tried on the dress and it was tighter than she thought it would be. 

We explored the facts and stories running through her brain about this dress experience. The fact was the dress was snug. The stories in her mind included: everyone is going to think I look disgusting, my ex will be glad we are divorced, people will think his new wife is much prettier than me, my daughter will be embarrassed by my appearance, people will talk about how tight my dress is. 

A snug dress turned into self-torture. 

For many things in life there are facts and then there are the stories we make up about the meaning of the facts. With some awareness and practice we can learn to see the facts and avoid the stories that cause us greater suffering. 

Another example of this practice can be illustrated by the experience of a teen client. She and her boyfriend ended their relationship and months later she noticed she was still obsessing over the fact that he was now talking to other girls. She asked for help getting her brain to settle down about the likelihood he would have a new girlfriend soon. We looked at the facts and the stories. 

The fact was this boy posted pictures on social media with another girl. The stories included: he likes her more than he ever liked me, they have more fun together than we did, he thinks she is prettier than I am, he is happier now, everyone thinks she is better than me for him, they will be together forever, no one will ever love me.

A photo turned into a self-deprecating attack. 

When we go back to the facts, we can accept that yes, indeed, this is a fact. But, when we imagine stories we only torture ourselves. It is the stories that cause the deep suffering, not the facts. Stories are the meaning we give to those facts. Stories are our interpretation of the facts. Often in working with people, I find the stories my clients are imagining are more painful than the actual facts.

Facts may hurt, but stories add a salty sting to the wound.

Philosopher Epictetus is credited for saying, “It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” 2000 years ago, Epictetus was a slave to a wealthy family in the region we know today as the country of Turkey. The slave owner recognized his ability to avoid sadness while other slaves struggled with sadness. Epictetus shared that he managed his thinking to not become sad in dire situations. The wealthy owner recognized a gift in young Epictetus and found a philosopher to mentor him. Epictetus went on to become a professor of philosophy in Rome and then later in Greece. He taught the power of thought management acknowledging this would always be a universal human struggle. Albert Ellis, who founded Cognitive Behavioral Theory, credits Epictetus with being the foundational philosopher in his psychological research. 2000 years ago Epictetus could foresee what we would still be struggling with today.

This week, see if you can notice where the facts end and the stories begin. Practice noticing a thought, consider the facts, then stop yourself from creating stories around that fact. You might notice that we add unnecessary editorial stories onto many of our situations. 

Notice the facts, stop the stories. 

I’m doing this work along with you,