Nuance and Berries

Thank you for the book launch love last week! If you missed the announcement, I have an item for your holiday gift list…click here. And, if you live in Kansas City, we are having a book signing event November 30 at the Compassion Fix Studio, you can read more about it here.

This week, I want to invite us to think about nuance. Especially as we go into Thanksgiving and holiday gatherings with people we love.

Nuance is a term that we don’t hear very often, but I think spending some time with this word can get us on a path toward peace. Nuance can mean noticing subtle differences, variations, or understanding complexities. The word comes to us today having evolved from Latin nubes meaning “cloud,” French nuer meaning “shade of color,” and Old English nuance meaning “subtle distinction.”

I like thinking of nuance with these old meanings: like a cloud of possibilities between two options, or the shades between right and wrong, or the subtleties of what shapes someone’s opinions.

Nuance can be tricky for us, because our brains are hard-wired to keep us safe.

The fear center of our brain likes to sound the alarms when things feel threatening. Nuance feels like uncertainty which feels dangerous to that part of our brain. So, as human beings with complex brains, we all have to learn how to introduce nuance so we can have full vibrant lives.

For example, my brain’s fear center would love to make a rule that I never touch a red berry, because some red berries are poisonous. It would love for me to avoid all red berries, thus I would live a safe life. But, I have to introduce nuance to my brain. Raspberries and strawberries are lovely and not poisonous. If I couldn’t stretch my brain with nuance, I would miss the experience of those lovely foods.

We make these kind of adjustments to our brain every day in many ways that we may not realize. It would be safer to always go the speed limit, but there is nuance in why we don’t always do that. It would be safer to never date someone and risk rejection, but there is nuance in why it benefits us to fall in love. It would be safer to never travel to a new location, but we nuance the risk to see the world.

However, sometimes we forget to introduce nuance into our brains when someone disagrees with us or when we are sure we are right about a topic. You might encounter moments like this as you gather with people this week. If you can pause and practice a moment of nuance (and I hope they do too) then we can begin to have constructive conversations without degrading into conflict.

Practice bringing nuance into your brain by remembering what subtleties form our opinions. Perspective on current events is often formed by what we have been taught (or not), what we have personally experienced (or lack in experience), and what we are afraid of.

When someone says something you disagree with, your brain is sounding the alarms similar to “red berries=danger!” See if you can stretch your brain into nuance by considering what they have been taught, what personal experiences have shaped their opinions, and what are they are afraid will happen if they don’t hold firm to this belief. Now you are in raspberry and strawberry territory. Your brain can now allow nuance. Even if you don’t like those flavors, you are no longer reacting as if they are poisonous.

Practicing nuance can help us stay calmer in disagreements.

When you stay calm in the disagreement, your calm demeanor helps to calm the nervous system of the person you disagree with. That puts all of us on a path toward greater peace at our gatherings.

As I head into this Thanksgiving, I am profoundly grateful for all of you.

You give me a reason to write something every week. You helped me become an author. You are each in human school with me and I am so very grateful to be connected to you.

Thank you,