Perfectionism is Protection
/We all know how perfectionism gets us into trouble, and yet we keep striving for near-perfect. The way we look, how we expect our kids to act, our performances, our social media posts, our homes, and how we are perceived - a lot of us want it to be as close to perfect as possible.
A client once said to me, “I wouldn’t call myself a perfectionist because I’m never perfect. I want to be perfect, but I never quite make it.” I smiled and said, “you just nailed the definition of a perfectionist.” A perfectionist is someone who strives for perfection but feels like they never quite reach perfect.
A perfectionist isn’t perfect, they strive to be perfect.
They likely believe: if I am perfect, the house is perfect, the performance is perfect, and my work is perfect, then I will be safe in this big scary world. If I never make a mistake, people will love me. If I am what others want me to be, I will never be abandoned. If I manage every detail of this trip, my family will have fun. If I have a great performance, you won’t know I secretly doubt my abilities. If I sound smart, people will think I’m skilled and talented. If I get a lot of likes on social media, it indicates I have a good life. If I exceed expectations, then no one will ever be disappointed in me. If I get a lot accomplished in a day, people will think I’m valuable.
Perfectionism is protection from our fears of inadequacy.
It has helped me to understand that my perfectionistic tendencies are rooted in fear. If everything is perfect, then my brain feels like I’m less likely to experience criticism, shame, and embarrassment. But, as many of us know from life experience, that is an illusion. We think we are protecting ourselves from the things we fear the most, but it doesn’t work that way.
We can do everything right and people still leave us. We can never make a mistake and yet get fired. We can have the perfect house and food for the holidays but the family still argues. We can have injections, plastic surgery, and fat burning drugs then still feel ugly when we look in a mirror. Striving for perfection does not protect us from inner pain. We hope it will, but most of us have learned that the pain remains even after things are near-perfect.
Look at the areas of your life where you strive for perfection - those are the inner places where you are most afraid of being “found out” and it is likely where you judge others too. That isn’t intended to make you feel bad, it is a trail of breadcrumbs to help you solve a puzzle. Once you are aware of what you fear, then you can address the underlying fear instead of trying to cover it up with perfection. And when you can let your self off the hook a bit, you begin to let others off the hook too.
Where do you feel weak? Intelligence, confidence, abilities, money, creativity, talent, skill, energy, motivation, body image, life circumstances, appearance, style, lack of success…spend some time thinking about this with yourself. Let it all come up, it’s just between you and your mind as you read this. You don’t have to share it with anyone.
Notice patterns in your life where you protect these perceived weaknesses. What do you do to avoid criticism, failure, rejection, or vulnerability? Where do you put up a shield to protect your weakness from being seen? Where do you protect yourself from feeling unworthy, inadequate, or judged?
All of this protecting makes us exhausted!
What if we could let our guard down a bit? What would it take for us to be more real and authentic? Could we let people know our fears instead of armoring up every day? A suit of armor is heavy to wear around, how would it feel to take it off and move more freely?
Here are a few things to consider as you release perfectionism a bit this week:
Practice some self-compassion - place your hand on your heart and say to yourself, “my desire for perfect is just my fear that I am not enough, this is something every human feels at times, how can I reduce pressure on myself today?”
Give yourself permission - “it’s okay to feel this way, and remember that your imperfections are beautiful and actually help to make other people feel more comfortable around you.”
Acknowledge the costs of perfection - notice how perfection leads you to stress, burnout, and dissatisfaction while costing you peace and happiness.
Explore how it might be a stressor on your relationships - am I asking too much of my people, am I snarky with my people when things aren’t perfect, does the pressure I put upon myself bring out the worst in me?
Ask for help - ask the people you love to help you reduce pressures in your life, ask a coach or therapist for assistance in learning tools to reduce perfectionism, share your fears with friends and allow vulnerability to help you bond.
Life is too short to exhaust yourself chasing perfection.
Allow yourself to be human - we are all messy, imperfect, and afraid, let the truth be known.
Take the expectations of yourself down a notch or two and you will find life is a lot more fun!
I’ll work on it with you, here is to freedom ahead (unless you find a typo in this email, then I’m sunk!)
Releasing it bit by bit,