Losing and Finding

As I researched grief and loss this month for the online class I offer, I found many pieces of wisdom that I wish I would have known before I experienced a loss. Not that it would have lessened the pain of the loss, but maybe it would have helped me judge myself less.

If we knew more about grief going into grief, it might help us normalize how horrible it is and how long it takes. Self-shaming comments like, "you should be over this by now" might be replaced by "you have permission to still be sad."

Grief is something most of us hope we can avoid as long as possible. Once you taste it, it never fully leaves you. It shows up at the most random times and interrupts what could have been a lovely day.

However, there is a beautiful invitation within grief to become a more compassionate person. An invitation to remember our shared humanity. Life is full of impermanence and mortality is inevitable. These are truths we like to ignore, but grief escorts them in.

We will all know loss. We will all experience grief. We will all long for brighter days. This is part of being human. Sadness is something we will all know. In that way, it connects us.

As I listened to stories of loss this month, there were also stories of finding. Finding an inner strength, new purpose, altered path, and many reports of finding the best friends we've ever known. Because of losing, there was finding. Sometimes it takes years, but it also occurs in the halls of the hospital immediately after hearing the worst news. No matter the spans of time, finding was a consistent theme in the stories of losing.

Think about the losses in your life. List them on a piece of paper or make a timeline and consider the losses you've endured in each decade of your life.

My timeline surprised me as I considered my losses of beloved people, pets, jobs, cities, partners, friendships, churches, beliefs, and the looming loss of days due to chronic illness. There was more loss than I realized in my five decades. But, making this timeline wasn't an exercise in sadness. It actually helped me honor what I have been through. In that timeline, I could see myself as a woman with great inner strength. I saw on that paper where I built my compassion muscles. In those losses, I found a woman with a tender heart who loved big and dared to try things.

I hope you will honor the strong person you are today. Take some time to recognize how many times your heart has been broken wide open. Look at what you have survived. Acknowledge the compassion you've developed along the way. You know what pain is. You know how to live through it. You are stronger now than you were then. And, it is no wonder why you are exhausted.

This acknowledgment of our losses doesn't lessen the sting, but it does celebrate our resilience. The human spirit endures. We love big and we grieve big. And we do it again and again.

Let's remember that the people we encounter today know loss also. We are all human beings with broken hearts going to work, running errands, and sitting in meetings. We are all doing our best to find our way forward.

We are losing and finding, all at the same time.

Be gentle with yourself and others this week.

Sending love to your beautiful big heart,
Ginger