Second Arrows
/Life shoots arrows at us sometimes. We all know the painful arrows of grief, illness, loss, break-ups, failures, setbacks, disappointments, mistakes, betrayals…most of us will experience these things multiple times in our lifetimes. Being human means we will face getting hit with arrows from time to time.
What I want us to think about this week is:
As I experience the pain of a life arrow, am I also shooting myself with a second arrow?
Second Arrows are thoughts in our head that sound like this: you’re so stupid, what were you thinking, how could you have done that, you deserve what is happening, you always mess up, this is happening because you did ___, everyone is going to leave you now, only bad things happen to you, God must be mad at you, you shouldn’t have done ___, if you would have done ___ this wouldn’t be happening now, there is no way out of this.
That is painful to read isn’t it? Some of those second arrows are even more painful than the first ones. I would bet that at sometime in your life you shot yourself with a second, third, or maybe fourth arrow. Instead of tending to our pain, most of us hit ourselves again with the blow of self-denial or self-betrayal. We think punishing ourselves may help us not make the same mistake again - it doesn’t, it only makes you angry, isolated, and anxious. We think getting ill or being sad is a sign of weakness and we need to toughen ourselves up - it doesn’t work, it only makes you feel more alone, sad, and hopeless.
This wisdom comes originally from Buddha in teaching self-compassion using two arrows as a teaching illustration. Hilary McBride offers a beautiful description of it in her book The Wisdom of Our Bodies. Here is Hilary’s introduction to this concept, “life shoots the first arrow: something difficult happens. We get an injury, we get sick, we face a loss, we struggle with a disease, and that is the first arrow. But we are the ones who shoot the second arrow. The second arrow is shot when we add to our own pain and suffering by how we talk to ourselves and others about what is happening with us.”
We can practice changing the way we talk to ourselves.
After some practice, it becomes more automatic to be gentle with yourself when you are in pain. Notice where life arrows are hitting you right now. Notice if you have any second arrows flying around in your thoughts. Then replace those second arrows with self-talk that is more loving and encouraging to yourself.
Here are a few examples and alternatives to the second arrows.
You get fired. Second arrows might sound like, “you screwed up, they never liked you, you are never going to make that much money again.” Instead try some of these phrases, “this is hard, this hurts, this is a big disappointment, this is scary but you will figure it out, what would help you have some hope today?”
You get a diagnosis. Second arrows might sound like, “something is wrong with you, this is because of too much stress and you should have left that stressful job long ago, you didn’t eat the right foods, this is bad and you might not recover.” Instead try, “this feels unreal, I can’t get my mind around this yet, I’m giving myself time before I talk about it, I love my body and I will help it heal, I’m not alone and I will find the right people to help me.”
Someone leaves you. Second arrows might sound like, “you aren’t lovable, you always mess up relationships, you will never find someone again, you are aren’t worth staying around for.” Instead try, “this is breaking your heart, you love them and this really hurts, you are lovable, you are worthy of love.”
If you are concerned that talking to yourself life this makes you sadder, madder, lonelier - it doesn’t. It might make you emotional at first to show yourself tenderness if you normally don’t, but it brings profound healing and diffuses the pain of the first arrow greatly. Trust me, this was a foreign concept to me ten years ago. I thought being tough on myself made me better. But then in my graduate research, I found over 20 years of clinical research at UT Austin, Harvard, Stanford, and UC Berkley that proved there was transformative power in being kind to yourself. So I tried it for the first time in my life in my 40s. The researchers are right. Life is so much better when you stop shooting arrows at yourself.
We are all learning together what it means to be a human right now, let’s not make it harder than it already is. No more second arrows. Deal?
