After Anger
/In many client conversations lately, a common theme has been anger. Anger with spouses working from home in small spaces. Anger with family members over holiday plans and mask opinions. Anger over break-ups. Anger at ourselves for not accomplishing more. Anger with politics. Anger with friends who don't respond to messages. Just a lot of anger going around.
Anger is understandable and to be expected. It is hard to be a human being right now. It is hard to be a teenager. It is hard to be an executive working from home. It is hard to be patient with little ones. It is hard to be in a politically divided country. All of this makes us angry inside.
Anger isn't "bad." It is a helpful messenger to pay attention to. Anger is a natural response to a perceived threat. Anger in our lives can indicate that we feel unvalued or misunderstood. Often anger on the surface indicates a deeper unacknowledged fear. Fear that we are not loved, seen, heard, understood or worthy can feed into our anger.
Angry outbursts are happening. You are not alone. This is our first time living in a global pandemic for nine months. We are afraid and our fuses of tolerance are getting shorter. Experiment with some of these ideas below, and handle your anger gently this week.
After Anger
After an angry outburst, coach yourself through recovering and repairing using some of these prompts or ideas.
Give yourself a "time out." Remove yourself from the scene if you can. Take a few deep breaths. Turn inward and consider these things:
What triggered my anger?
Did I feel under attack?
Was a feeling of shame or embarrassment triggered?
What is it that I might be afraid of underneath the anger?
Where did that intensity come from?
Use this feeling wheel to help identify specific feelings.
Where do I feel the tension in my body?
Have I shoved this area of anger down over time and now it is like a volcano exploding?
Give your anger some love.
Talk to your anger - I see you and I am paying attention. Tell me what I need to be aware of. What needs to change so that I can release this anger?
Imagine holding your anger like a newborn swaddled in your arms - what do you feel when you look at your anger with love?
Place your hand on your heart and say to yourself - You are not an angry person, you just had an angry moment. I'm on your team. What do we need to do to recover from this?
Repair the damage.
Consider what needs to happen to apologize or have a conversation about why this occurred.
Explain what you were feeling at the time and what you observed about the anger.
Sincerely apologize.
Uncover your triggers and deep feelings so that you will not repeat this outburst in the future.
Forgive yourself.
Promise yourself to release the temptation to ruminate on this. Do not give yourself a life sentence for an angry outburst.
Remind yourself that you didn't know then what you know now. Redeem this into a moment of growth.
Being angry is part of being human. Other people have angry outbursts too. This is a shared human experience.
Say to yourself what you would say to a dear friend who was describing an angry outburst situation to you.
When you feel anger brewing - take a time out, walk outside, take a few deep breaths. Name what you are feeling. Honor that you deserve to be seen, heard, and understood. Ask yourself what you need to feel calmer and more peaceful...then do that! It might be as simple as a glass of water. It might a few jumping jacks to process the energy in your body. It might be a conversation where you share your feelings. Or a good baby laughing video.
We all have to work to diffuse anger right now. Do your best and forgive yourself if you have an outburst. This too shall pass.
Sending you a big hug,
