Inner Coaching
/Imagine you are about to sign up your child to play on a new soccer team. There are two teams available and you go to the practices of each team to get a feel for the coaches.
When you observe the first team, you hear the coach saying things like this:
That was a horrible mistake! What were you thinking? You are so stupid! I can't believe you thought you could play soccer! You are the worst player out here! You contribute nothing to this team! No one likes you! You always make mistakes! Everyone is better than you could ever be!
Then you go to observe the next team and hear things form the coach like this:
You are really working hard today! Great thinking on that play! If you try a little harder, I bet next time you can make that shot! I see your potential, keep working! You have improved a lot since you started! I love your dedication to learning! You can do anything you set your mind to do! I am here to help you in any way I can! You are getting better!
Which coach do you want coaching your child?
Now think about the coach that lives in your head and is coaching you through life.
What does your inner coach sound like?
Inner Coaching
Playing on a sports team for a critical coach might serve the team well to in the short-run to win a few games. But, studies show playing for a critical coach causes us to quickly grow resentful, dread practices, lose our enthusiasm for the game, and we are likely quit the sport completely.
Consider if the coach in your mind is punishing you for every mistake or encouraging you towards your potential. The encouraging coach is still working toward growth and improvement, but doing so in a kind way that is proven to be more motivating. What would happen if you listened to an encouraging coach every day?
Punishing Coach
You are so stupid!
You always make mistakes!
You have no talent!d
Everyone else is better than you!
You should quit!
No one likes you!
Encouraging Coach
What could you do next time to improve?
You slipped once, but you had five really good moves.
You are getting better with every game.
Everyone else is afraid of making a mistake too.
Being new is the hardest part, and you are beyond that now, stick with it.
You make an important contribution and soon it will feel like a family here.
Kristin Neff at the University of Texas in Austin has been clinically studying the effects of self-compassion for over 15 years. You can find some of her research here. She has proven that by being aware of how you speak to yourself, recognizing our shared human experiences, and encouraging yourself towards your greater potential are all more motivating than harshly criticizing yourself.
As you head into a month known for high expectations, increase your awareness of how you talk to yourself and practice inner coaching with encouragement and kindness.
I used to think that being critical of myself made me better, but all it really did was make me mad.
Your holiday joy will increase substantially if you stop beating yourself up and go a little easier on yourself. The bonus is that when you start letting yourself off the hook, you let others off the hook too. And doing that plays a big role in having a happy holiday!!
Sending you love,
