Not Taking it Personally

We are naturally wired to take things personally. We care what people think of us.

Research shows around age 6 we figure out how to modify our behaviors to make our authority figures happy.

Having people unhappy with us triggers fear in our primal brain. Our ancestors feared being kicked out of the tribe because one could not survive alone in the desert. We share this same fear.

It is part of our survival instinct to care what people think of us. So instead of trying to not care what anyone thinks, let's learn to help ourselves through those moments that feel like a personal attack.

Not Taking It Personally

Why we take things personally:

• We care about the person's opinion of us.

• We want people to think we are perfect.

• We don't allow ourselves to make mistakes.

• We fear disapproval and rejection.

• We believe we are never good enough.

• We think criticism will make us better.

• Our egos say everything is all about us.

• Our inner critic tells us everything is our fault.

• We feel responsible for what other people think.

• We like to control how we are perceived.

• We long for people to approve of us and love us.

When you take something personally:

• Remember their words and actions say more about them than about you.

• Hurt people hurt people.

• Read that last one again. Often, they are projecting their own inner junk onto you.

• Remind yourself of what you know to be true about yourself. (you are kind, compassionate, trying to help, doing the best you can)

• Give yourself permission to feel hurt.

• Find at least three things to be thankful for outside of this circumstance.

• Ask yourself if there is any truth or learning opportunity in what was said. Be willing to grow and learn from this experience.

• Consider what is a fact and what is a story - this person is angry with me is a fact, our friendship is over is a story of my imagination - unless you decide it is over, which is allowable too.

• Remember this adage: people that blame, often carry shame - inner pain shapes our behavior.

• Create space away from this person as much as you can for as long as you need.

• Spend time with people you trust and who make you feel good.

• Practice being assertive - ask for what you want and say no to what you don't want in a respectful, honest, clear, and direct manner.

• Think of Maya Angelou's wisdom, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

• Soak in Don Miguel Ruiz's wisdom, "If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices."

Trust yourself.

You took it personally because it hurt you. When feedback, critique, or opinion are delivered with respect, mutual benefit, and compassion it is welcomed. When feedback feels like an attack on your character, it hurts.

Listen to your inner encourager as much as you listen to your inner critic. Then, you are less likely to take things personally. And when we can do that, life is much more peaceful.

Sending you love,

P.S. Don Miguel Ruiz's book, The Four Agreements, would make a great holiday gift to someone you love, you can read a synopsis I wrote here.