Validating
/Is it just me, or are we all starting to get a little tired of the people we live with???
I needed this reminder and thought you might too: Making someone feel loved means that they feel seen, heard, and understood.
So that means, if we want our housemates to feel loved, we need to be intentional about paying attention, listening, and working to understand them -- despite our frayed nerves as we live in lockdown in small spaces with those we love the most.
Love may take a little extra work this week as we enter yet another week of uncertainty. So, take a deep breath and try these suggestions for validating the feelings of those you love. (And feel free to share this email with them too!)
Validating the One You Love
1. Give them your full attention. Look them in the eye, engage in the present moment right here right now, observe what they are feeling, show expressions as reactions to what they are saying, and resist interrupting them until their words come to a full stop.
2. Match their tone. Tune into what they are feeling and respond with body language that matches their tone. Adjust your expression, gestures, and eye contact according to what would be most supportive to the person talking to you.
3. Silently process what you hear. As you listen, summarize to yourself what they are telling you. Imagine you have a play-by-play commentator in your mind that is reporting on what is happening. Silently fill in the blanks: they are feeling _____, they want _____, they said ____, they did____.This will keep you engaged and give you a better perspective of what they are feeling.
4. Resist the temptation to fix it for them. You are a roommate first and a consultant/doctor/therapist/teacher/advisor second. Most times, the people who live with you just want to be heard. If they want your opinion or solution, they will ask you for it. If they don't ask, don't offer.
5. Stay curious. If you aren't sure what they are feeling, ask them. If you aren't sure what they want from you, ask them. If you disagree, stay quiet a minute longer than you want to. (I bring to mind the image of training a puppy on this one...stay Ginger, stay...stay...stay... And that reminds me to stay quiet, don't make a move, just keep listening.)
6. Validate their emotions. Watch for cues that indicate they are now ready for you to talk. Wait for a pause in the dialogue and then proceed. Suggested phrases start with:
It makes sense that you feel that way…
Of course you feel….
I get it, you feel….
I know you enjoy doing…..so this has to be hard for you right now.
I am excited for you...
I would feel that way too...
It seems like you feel...
Validating is the acknowledgment of someone else's feelings and experiences. This method of communication conveys respect, acceptance of their feelings, and builds understanding.
Validating someone doesn’t mean you agree with them, it means you heard what they were saying. You can disagree, but still respect and honor the other person. We all have to be careful not to minimize the feelings of others. Especially when we are quarantined in close quarters with them for weeks on end.
If you are tempted to say phrases such as: it could be worse, you are overreacting, you need to get over it, you are too sensitive, or you aren't taking this seriously enough, then pause and consider replacing it with a more empathetic approach.
When people you love are feeling fear, of course you want to help them relieve that feeling and fix their fear. But, the most helpful thing you can do is listen to their perspective, imagine what it is like to be them in this situation, want the best for them, and allow them to express their feelings. Once we feel validated, our negative feelings diffuse a bit. Things feel better when shared with someone we trust.
We are all doing the best we can during these extra-ordinary times.
If you don't have a housemate that validates you, then do these steps and say these phrases to yourself. You can listen to yourself and show yourself the compassion you long for from others.
And, if you need a person to listen, schedule a free call with me. I'm here to tell you that what you are feeling is normal, understandable, and worthy of a conversation.
Sending you love and peace,
