Reality

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Accepting reality can be one of the hardest things in our lives.

I was in Orlando this weekend at Disney and Universal Studios. There are places in the amusement parks where it is hard to tell what is real and what is imagined.

Life is like that too sometimes. As humans, one of our best gifts is our imaginations, but it can also be what gets us in trouble in our relationships.

We imagine what someone is thinking. We imagine what someone is feeling. We imagine that words have meanings other than how they were intended.

One of the best teachers on accepting reality is Byron Katie. I learned the Inquiry method from her and I often use these questions in my client conversations. Her method is simple, yet profound. 

Inquiry 

Bring to mind a situation that caused you frustration, sadness, anger, or disappointment. Create a list of statements about this situation. In this list, it is okay to blame, vent, and let it all out on paper. Then take one of the statements and run it through these four questions:

  1. Is it true? 

  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? 

  3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

  4. Who or what would you be without the thought?

Here is an example of how I might use Inquiry:

Suzy doesn't like me. 

  1. Is that true? Yes, it feels like it is true because she excluded me from a dinner party at her home. 

  2. Can I absolutely know that is true? No, I guess I don't know for a fact that Suzy doesn't like me. 

  3. What happens when I believe this thought? When I think that Suzy doesn't like me I feel hurt and angry with Suzy. I want my other friends to not like her. I am tempted to say mean things about her because she hurt my feelings. I avoid her and our friendship dissolves away. 

  4. What happens when I don't have this thought? When I stop thinking about Suzy not liking me, I'm not angry with Suzy. I feel more peaceful inside. I don't ruminate over the dinner party. Suzy might like me, there may be other circumstances around the dinner party invitations. I feel freedom from that anger now. 


For those who like shortcuts: you can ask yourself "is this thought making me feel better or worse?" If the answer is worse, then don't think it. 

You can see more about Byron Katie's Inquiry process at TheWork.com. If you are ever stuck on a thought that is hurting you instead of helping you, watch some of the videos on her website and see how she helps people let go of harmful thinking.

Every time I coach someone on this process, we find instances where people have beliefs about something that may not be true at all. They discover that imagined thoughts can cost us relationships and keep us stuck in resentment. Often I hear people say, I feel "lighter," or less burdened, when they examine their beliefs about a situation and release what is keeping them upset. 

Our imagination can be a wonderful thing, but it can also be what causes suffering in our relationships. Suffering comes when we wish something was different than it is. Accepting reality, as it is, and releasing our wishing it was different, is one of the fastest paths to inner peace. 

Sending you love,