What Can I Control?
/I don't have to tell you that it is hard to be a human being right now. There are many things in the news that can make us feel overwhelmed and helpless.
Last week, my son turned 15 which made me realize we are about to have a driving teen who is starting high school which means only four more years at home, and quickly I spiraled into worry. I was awfulizing and I can do it very well!
Then I remembered this exercise from a workshop I attended years ago, and it helped. This week, I'm feeling much better so I wanted to share this with you and invite you to give it a try!
An ABC Approach to Clarity
To complete this exercise, you will need four blank pieces of paper and something to write with.
Begin by listing all of the things that cause you to feel frustrated, stressed, or upset. List it all freely and without judgment, just let it flow. Consider situations, circumstances, decisions, changes, worries, physical pains, people, etc. Give yourself permission to get it all out on a piece of paper.
Now, go through your list and mark an A next to anything that you cannot control right now or that you cannot change at this time. The items with an A are things that you cannot remove from your life or avoid. These are things that are outside of your control.
On a separate sheet of paper, list the items you marked with an A. This is your A List.
Now, go through your original list again and mark a B next to the items that you can do something about right now. Consider these items to be things that you can influence, change, or adjust. Mark a B by it if a small or large change could be made to alter this circumstance, relationship, worry, etc. These are things that are within your control.
On a separate sheet of paper, list the items you marked with a B. This is your B List.
On your final piece of paper, write down things that you dream of, wish for, want to happen, and hope for. Write what comes to mind, no matter how large or small the wish may be. Allow yourself to move into the future and express your desires. This is your C List.
Now comes the fun part - - take list A and tear it up or crumple it into a ball. Throw it away. These are the things that exhaust us to think about. These are things outside of our control. Our energy is wasted on these items. Our energy is best spent on the things that we have agency and influence upon. Gift yourself releasing the A List from your thinking energy. Let it go.
On your B List, next to each item, write one small action that you could take to feel better or bring some relief to yourself around this item. Is there something you want to say to someone? Is there a task that would help you move forward? Is there a way to talk to yourself with encouragement? Can this item be resolved and move off of your list completely? What would it take to improve this situation?
On your C List, note a small step that would move you toward your desire. Begin to imagine your life according to the C List. Picture your future self taking steps to achieve these things and feeling joy as you accomplish them.
With intention and small actions, your B List will eventually decrease in size and your C List becomes your reality.
Repeat this exercise at times when you feel overwhelmed or stuck in spirals of worry.
This graphic from SUMBU's Instagram post might help get you started in making your lists:
It is amazing to me how much time we spend ruminating on things that are completely out of our control.
Being mindful about what we can and cannot control is a practice that research has found can lower blood pressure, lessen anxious thoughts, give hope to depressed brains, and boost immunity. If you do a Google search on "how mindfulness affects the body," you will find the data from many of these studies. And, this week we are talking about mindfulness in the Compassion Fix Community if you want to learn more and practice along with us.
Let's promise each other to only worry about the things within our control. Worrying about things we cannot change is a waste of our precious energy. Do something creative and fun with the energy you free up this week!
Sending you love and peace,
