Truth Targets

/
 

I found my notes recently from a workshop led by Martha Beck. Martha is a renowned life coach and author of many helpful books. 

In the workshop, Martha was sharing tips on truth-telling. We all know the adage (and Jesus says it in the Book of John) "the truth shall set you free." Also, we all know how hard it can be to actually tell the truth.

Martha used a target image to describe the importance of truth-telling to the people in your life. Here is my summary of her teaching points: 

  • It is most important to tell yourself the truth - dishonesty with yourself can be catastrophic - naming the truth about your childhood, disappointments, feelings, desires, etc. will free you from the burdens of lying to yourself about these things - you don't have to tell the truth to the person involved, tell it to a therapist or coach or friend, just name the truth to someone who will listen. Then you are free to move forward and begin to trust yourself again. 

  • Tell loved ones as much truth as you can - lying to please someone means giving up the chance to connect with them - lying always pushes us away, even when we think it will bring us closer - if you both tell the truth, you grow closer - if the truth is too hard to tell, you are accepting that you will always have distance between you. Truth leads to healing, but it can rock the boat for a bit. You get to decide if it is worth telling the truth or tolerating the distance in the relationship.

  • Tell acquaintances enough truth to maintain optimal connection - share less to keep people away, share more to draw them closer - reveal truth slowing as you are getting to know someone, test how much they can handle at any given time - tell a bit of truth and evaluate their reaction, then decide how to proceed - gradually sharing with an acquaintance helps you avoid oversharing and then having hurt feelings - but sharing more and more over time allow trust and vulnerability to foster a closer relationship. You get to decide how much to share based on how important this relationship is to you. 

Evaluating the Truth Targets

Here are some things to consider as you notice your truth-telling behaviors in life. These are questions to ponder this week and check in with periodically. If you notice some of these not-so-honest behaviors in your life, spend time asking yourself why you do what you do. Explore what you are afraid of in telling the truth. Make sure you are not judging yourself too harshly, but instead observing how the truth could benefit your relationships or where it might not be necessary to tell at this time. You always know the best answer. Trust yourself. 

Am I truthful with myself: 

  • Do I make promises to myself that I do not keep? 

  • Is there something I am afraid to know about myself?

  • Am I hiding something?

  • Is there a question I'm afraid to ask? 


Am I truthful with loved ones:

  • Do I tell white lies to not get into trouble or disappoint someone?

  • Am I afraid of telling people something they won't like to hear?

  • Do I say I will do something and then not follow through?

  • Why do I say things like "I'm fine" when I am not really fine? 


Determining how much truth to tell an acquaintance: 

  • What does this person really need to know?

  • How will it benefit our relationship?

  • Will I regret not sharing this if our relationship gets deeper?

  • What is the best timing for saying the thing I want to share with them?

This clearly doesn't cover all of our circumstances and scenarios. Truth-telling and preparing to tell someone the truth are very soul searching processes. 

We all have truths that we hold close to avoid hurting someone - my daughter sometimes disagrees with my fashion choices, but telling me that really isn't necessary! :)

That is making light of some big truth - the truth can hurt us. We each have to decide how much truth to tell based on the relationships we desire. I have seen the truth bring people together, I have also seen it cause relationships to end. Talk it through with your trusted people - a therapist, mentor, coach, or trusted loved one. 

The truth liberates us from secrets. In that sense, it sets us free. 

In my experience, being truthful with yourself is the most important truth you will tell. That will lead you to clarity in telling the truth in other areas of your life. 

Sending you love and peace,

 

P.S. Something new and exciting is coming in August for all of us to be a part of! I'm missing conversations with you and our gatherings to learn together. I have found a great way for us to do those things during this time of separation and safety. (It isn't called Zoom!)  I'll have more to share with you next week. Hoping to launch the first week of August!