Sacrificing Authenticity
/In my recent client conversations with teens headed back to high school and college, I’ve been bringing up the concept of how tempting it is to sacrifice authenticity for belonging.
Austrian physician, Gabor Maté, is one of my favorite teachers on this. He writes in The Myth of Normal that our deep desire to belong isn’t a character flaw, it is a survival strategy.
We are wired to adapt and conform for survival.
The toddler learns how to adjust behavior to please a parent. The teenager learns how stifle their interests because they don't match the family's interests. The young adult chooses a career that gains approval or financial gain rather than one that brings them meaning and fulfillment. Each adaptation is a small sacrifice of self for the hoped promise of belonging.
We have a primal desire to belong, and it can serve us well…until it erodes our sense of who we truly are.
As an adult, it shows up in saying yes when we mean no, suppress our emotions to avoid conflict, staying in organizations that drain our energy, spending time with people who disappoint us, and many other ways we cage ourselves into sacrificing authenticity.
Do I say what I really think or do I say what they want to hear?
Do I express my true feelings or do I smile and nod to keep the peace?
Do I change friend groups to better enjoy life or do I keep my social status?
Do I do the thing I want to do or do I worry about what other people will think?
There aren’t always clear answers to these questions - it is an art to find the balance between authenticity and belonging. Each of us will approach that balance in different ways. The key is to begin to notice when you are sacrificing authenticity to belong - that’s when we want to notice our inner caution flags and choose the path of authenticity as much as possible.
And for parents, I know it can feel daunting when your child doesn’t fit the norm, but what a gift you give to them if you allow them to be who they are. Look inside yourself and see why it feels so uncomfortable to allow your child be their unique self - the clothes they want to wear, the style of hair they prefer, the activities they love, the friends they feel most comfortable with - these things might not be what you would choose for them, but give them some space to choose and unconditionally love them in that space.
It probably feels safer in your own brain if they just blend in, but actually the safest thing you can do for their mental health is to encourage them to be their authentic true selves. When we feel misunderstood by those who love us the most, we are more likely to cave into being what our loved ones want us to be. A lot of us have become skilled at squeezing ourselves into whatever form makes us feel loved by others. But, the cost of that is losing touch with our truest self.
When we are our truest self and find the people that love that true version of us, mental health improves.
“What if our intention, as parents, as educators, as a society, was to raise children in touch with their feelings, authentically empowered to express them, to think independently and be prepared to act on behalf of their principles?” - Gabor Maté
And this applies to all of us at any age.
Many of us spend the first half of our lives being what others want us to be and the second half of our lives trying to uncover who we truly are inside.
Becoming authentic isn’t about finding some new version of ourselves, it’s about uncovering who we truly are underneath our performing selves.
Dr. Maté offers, from his research, that addiction, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and chronic illness are often a result of a prolonged priority to belong while sacrificing our authenticity. The approach to healing this involves learning to honor both our need for connection and our authentic selves, rather than sacrificing one for the other.
Building authenticity takes time if you are someone who has performed, people-pleased, and shape-shifted to survive and get along with others. It starts by micro-dosing bravery in being honest about your thoughts and feelings, showing up the way you feel best to show up, finding people that feel safe to your nervous system, and learning to tolerate the discomfort of someone not liking your or disagreeing with you. If that list seems scary, then you are probably someone who could use some practice in being more authentic.
Dr. Maté also teaches that physical illness and disease can be reversed (especially autoimmune disease) by more authentic living. He has done volumes of research to have evidence that pretending to be someone we are not literally makes us sick. I’m going to teach on this in October sharing multiple sources of evidence-based research and my own experience of 23 years with Multiple Sclerosis. If interested, you can read more about it here.
It might feel risky to stop sacrificing your authenticity, but there is freedom waiting for you on the other side of that fear. Imagine living liberated from the cage of what everyone else wants you to be. Imagine honoring that pull within you toward a truer version of yourself.
What is the truest version of you? Ponder that this week.
Truth is the path to freedom,
