Tolerating Discomfort
/Discomfort is something we all want to avoid. We feel it when something is happening that we don’t want to happen or when there is a gap between the way it is and the way we want it to be.
I wrote about the discomfort of angst a few weeks ago and many of you said it resonated and that you forwarded it to angst-filled friends. Some clients have shared with me that they are noticing angst rising as we move into the holidays. Today’s message is a “how to” for reducing angst, so feel free to forward this one as well!
Our society is built on selling ways to bring your comfort. Products and services are invented to increase comfort - insurance, medicine, technology, religion, education, banking, clothing, furniture, restaurants, grocery, utilities, homes - almost everything can be traced back to a way to help you avoid discomfort in life.
The downside to advancements in those industries, is that we are getting less comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Our society is experiencing an uptick in divisiveness, hate crimes, movements to limit human rights - all things which indicate growing levels of intolerance. We are losing our ability to tolerate things that are not as we want them to be.
Our brains are getting used to getting what we want at our fingertips - we have all of the information we need within a few clicks, we can have things delivered to us within minutes, we can scroll past anything we aren’t interested in - we are a society that is losing its ability to be patient and tolerant. We see this playing out in how easily irritated people become when they have to wait a little longer or have to chose an alternate product.
This is not going to sound like fun to you, but this week I want you to try tolerating something you do not like to tolerate.
Here is a four-step method for beginning to build tolerance:
Awareness - Notice the feeling you are having about the circumstance.
Curiosity - Why is this bothering me so much today? What else is going on inside me that this situation triggered me today?
Perspective - Can I see it another way? Might they have an explanation for doing what they did? What if this situation actually benefits me in some way?
Release - I release my need to control this situation and I truly can tolerate this discomfort. I will take a deep breath and realize that I actually can tolerate this sense of discomfort.
We release angst by increasing our tolerance for discomfort.
It might feel counter-intuitive, but it really works. The more you can allow things to be as they are, even when you don’t like them, the less angst you will feel inside. And when we reduce our levels of inner angst, we are less triggered by being wronged. It creates a positive cycle toward inner peace.
Here are some things to practice building tolerance:
I can tolerate a long wait in line.
I can tolerate an unplanned delay.
I can tolerate not hearing a response from someone.
I can tolerate annoyances.
I can tolerate this uncomfortable feeling.
I can tolerate disagreement.
I can tolerate this feeling of hunger a little longer.
I can tolerate denying the urge to do that unhealthy thing.
I can tolerate people not liking me.
I can tolerate rejection.
I can tolerate not getting exactly what I want.
I can tolerate uncertainty.
I can tolerate that this person parked over the line and took up two spots. (I had to work on this one yesterday!)
Tolerance is a muscle we have to intentionally build.
This is an exercise in brain training. Your brain likes to throw tantrums when things do go as we want them to. As the driver of your brain (remember the truth is that you have agency in controlling where your brain goes), we need to help it calm down in times of discomfort. Our brain’s tantrum leads to anger, road rage, high blood pressure, unhealthy cortisol levels, hurting the feelings of people we love, and later regretting our angry explosions.
If you build your muscles of tolerance, life gets much easier to endure.
If we each build our muscles of tolerance, we each become a little more peaceful inside, then we naturally emit more peace into the world. Right now we certainly will benefit from a collective contribution of peace in our world.
Here is to a tolerant and peaceful week my friends,
