A Good Apology

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Messing up is part of being human. We all mess up, but what really hurts our relationships is how we handle our mess ups. It is so hard to admit we were wrong. Many families don’t do apologies well. Many marriages don’t do apologies well. Many friendships don’t do apologies well. 

A good apology can be liberating for us and the person we harmed. For a relationship to thrive, both people have to be proficient with apologizing. 

A relationship without apologies will wilt over time.

From our lived experiences, we all know apologizing can be harder for some of us than others. However, it is a skill that can be learned and should be a required course in Human School. Below are some fill-in-the-blank examples of how you might start getting better at apologizing. 

Find words of your own, but I hope these outlines might help you get started:

I feel badly about _______. When I ________, I really messed up. I am sorry. Your experience matters to me, what do you want me to know about how my behavior affected you? - - - Thank you for sharing that with me. I take full responsibility for doing that to you. From here on out, I make a commitment to not repeat that behavior and improve in this way _______.

I know I was wrong when I __________. I now understand the pain that caused you. Here is how I will change my choices and behaviors going forward _______.

I am sorry for ________. Next time, I will approach a situation like this in a better way by ________.

I messed up, I’m sorry. What can I do to work toward earning your forgiveness or repairing our relationship?

A few things to remember:

  • Make “I” statements instead of “You” statements (don’t point out what they did wrong, point out what you did wrong and take responsibility for your behaviors).

  • Don’t begin with explaining why you did it (that feels like you are giving excuses for your behavior), instead begin with the “I’m sorry” and explain why you did it later if they ask.

  • Experiment with a formula of: Acknowledge, Apologize, Address

    • Acknowledge what you did and provide as many specifics as possible.

    • Apologize sincerely for how you messed up.

    • Address how you will change your behavior or avoid repeating this in the future.

Getting honest with yourself about where you messed up and then getting honest with your apology is some of the most holy work we can do in our lives.

Apologizing clears our conscience, holds us accountable for improving our behaviors, repairs relationships, and contributes to more love on this planet. 

Messing it up and cleaning it up. Repeat. All the years of our lives.

Working on it with you.