Why are you upset?
/Part of my job as a coach is to help people excavate what is going on beneath the surface.
Many times clients will walk through the door to my office upset about one thing and after some discussion, they will realize ‘that’s not really the thing I’m upset about, the thing I’m really upset about is…’
Watching them process their deeper feelings has helped me conclude that what we think we are upset about isn’t what we are really upset about. There is often something much deeper going on within us.
What if what you are upset about isn’t really what you are upset about?
Think about this for a moment in your own life:
When you are mad at your partner, is it really about the mess in the kitchen or is it more about the feeling of disrespect that it brings to you when the kitchen is left for you to clean up?
When you are upset about the grade on a paper, is it about the bad grade or is it really about being mad at yourself that you didn’t put the time in and do your best work?
When you are upset that someone at work received credit for your idea, is it about the unfairness or is it really about this being a pattern in your life of getting overlooked?
What would your relationships be like if you could be more aware of what you are truly upset about? How would it help if you could share how you really feel instead of bickering about the superficial stuff?
Next time you are upset about something, pause and ask yourself:
What am I upset about? Is that what I’m really upset about, or is there something deeper going on here?
When you can become aware of the deeper upsets, you have more information for handling conflict and making adjustments in your life. You can better articulate your concerns and needs. You are more likely to find a sustainable solution to a problem.
Go deeper, finding the answers in life takes some excavating.
As I have worked with this practice in my own life, I have found that my upset diffuses more quickly when I get to the root of the problem. My surface upsets may involve blaming someone, feeling wronged, being offended, feeling neglected, and other things in that lane of thinking. But, when I go deeper, I find that none of that is really the true issue, it is always something deeper. It might be an old wound that is getting hit again. It might be a resentment because I over give. It might be a pattern of something I have avoided addressing. It might be something that happened a long time ago and I can’t let it go. It might be a worry of losing something. It might be fear that presents itself as anger.
Being human takes deep work. When you are willing to look beneath the surface, you find the gold.
Keep digging,