Exposure

I’m sitting in a coffee shop in New York City as I type this. Rob and I moved our daughter into college this weekend and as now we are officially empty nesters. (I’m trying to rebrand the “empty nest” in my brain, if you are in this same boat, let’s talk about it in The Next Nest later this month.)

Leaving our baby in a big city is hard, but I’m so proud of her for pursuing a dream, expanding her world, and having the courage to believe in herself. The exposure she will gain from this experience will be priceless. 

As we were preparing for this move and shopping in Kansas City, Lauren and I had many conversations with people working in the stores about where she was headed. I noticed many worried expressions after they heard, “moving to New York City for college next week.” Some would go on to say, “that’s great, go get ‘em” and others would look at me with sympathy in their eyes. Multiple times we heard, “oh that’s such a scary place.” So I started gently responding, “I know it seems that way, but when was the last time you were there?” In my little data pool of this experiment, everyone that said it was scary had never been to New York. 

It makes sense…things we have never done do seem scary.  

In neuroscience, we know that familiarity brings a sense of safety to our brains. Memory and fear are in the same part of our brain called the limbic system. If we experience something and retain a bad memory of it, we fear it happening again. Whereas, a memory from a positive experience, encourages us to re-live it and do it again. If we have no experience with something and thus no memory of it at all, it feels like the scary unknown. 

I noticed when we flew over the city this weekend, I was much less afraid for my daughter than on my last two visits. Before, I would look down as we approached the city and wonder if she would be okay there. This time, I felt a wave of peace and calm wash over me. The difference was…exposure. 

Each time my brain is exposed to the city, I feel more comfortable in it. 

Exposure calms fear.

Science knows this to be true. In psychotherapy, we use exposure therapy to treat OCD. When a brain becomes consumed with fear, it is clinically beneficial to expose the brain to the very thing it fears the most. I’ve worked with clients who have been in intensive therapy with another practitioner for OCD and I’ve watched the miraculous healing that exposure therapy brings into their lives. It works because the therapist makes them do the thing they are afraid to do. Sleep with not knowing if the doors are locked. Leave the house without knowing for sure that the oven is off. Pick up the dirty trash that your brain says is covered in germs that will kill you. These are things that might sound like no big deal to you, but to someone with crippling OCD, these things make you not leave the house, get fired for running late to work because you had to keep checking the oven, or ruin relationships because your fears cause unbearable stress to those around you. 

What fears do you have that could use a little exposure therapy?

Do you need to get to know someone of another race, religion, or culture? Do you need to travel to places you haven’t been before? Do you need to try something you haven’t tried before? 

When we look at hate crimes in our world, we can usually uncover a deep sense of fear of the other. We generalize groups of people when we hear the news of one and apply it to all. This happens due to a lack of exposure. What do we do about it? It starts with us. That place or person that feels dangerous to you, read more about people like them. Seek out stories, movies, and books where you can learn more.  Then curate your social media feed to include more diversity. Then try to meet someone in real life. Then notice how your brain has changed. 

I feel this is required curriculum of human school. Expose yourself to something new this week. It’s an antidote to dementia. It’s an antidote to feeling stuck in life. It’s an antidote to judgement and hate. 

It’s in your best interest and the interest of compassion in the world if we each seek more exposure. 

Say to yourself, “this is new to me, but I want to gain more insight” and that insight is what leads us to the inner peace and enlightenment we all long for. 

Rob and I are headed on a winding road trip back to KC this week. On the list: Niagara Falls, Falling Water, and a few other gems between here and there. Our babies are in two very different Manhattans, Kansas and New York, and our hearts fill all the space in between. 

Sending love to your soul,