How are we alike?

Every November, my client calendar fills up with people seeking strategies for avoiding or managing family conflict during the holidays. I’ve noticed this pattern consistently since November 2016. 

In most of my exploratory conversations with people, they are concerned with family tensions due to disagreeing over decisions, political conflict, religious arrogance, or fearing judgements rooted in bigotry and bias…and some times all of the above! 

If you feel your blood pressure rising around family next week, a simple question can help to soften judgement and bring us back to our shared humanity:

How are we alike?

This is a great phrase to think silently as you find yourself in a tense moment, or you can say it out-loud to begin a bonding dialogue. This question reminds our brains to seek out commonalities rather than focus on where we are different.

How are we alike? helps us find connection rather than deepening our division. 

Looking for how you are like someone else helps your nervous system feel safe. When we look for areas where we are different, it can trigger our amygdala to see the other person as a threat. How are we alike? invites a sense of safety into our brains. Recognizing shared humanity has been proven to calm the nervous system in clinical studies. The University Texas in Austin and Harvard have both published studies on this effect. 

When we remember that everyone wants to belong, has been hurt, wants to matter, has unanswered questions, and is trying to get through the day as a complicated human in a complex world then we can soften toward them. 

Judgement thrives on seeing differences.

Compassion thrives in connection and closeness with others. 

Next time someone triggers a defensive rise in you, begin to look for how the two of you are similar. Think through what you share as humans who are both afraid of failing, loss, illness, and rejection. We all share those fears, that is part of being human. 

We have a lot in common.

We are alike more than we remember.

It is fun to be your companion in this being-human adventure,