Presence
/When people talk of holiday memories, it is often around food, watching movies, a quirky tradition, something homemade, memorable games, or the funny thing a relative always did. These things are all rooted being present with one another. We don’t remember gifts as much as we remember our moments with our people.
As I finish my first semester as an empty nester I have a new appreciation of the word presence. I miss the presence of my people in the house. I understand now what people mean when they say “soak them up” or “savor every moment.” Those cliches remind us to be fully present in the moment and fully present with our people when we are together.
Staying present is one of the hardest challenges in being human.
We can easily spend all of our time in the past or future. We ruminate on past events and imagine the future. It is so hard for us to be right here, right now, where our feet are, not miles ahead in our minds or years in the past. And when we aren’t in the present moment, those whom we are with can feel that we are in our minds far away and not paying attention to them.
Presence is how we make someone feel loved.
It isn’t just about being physically near someone, it is also being mentally, emotionally, and heart-fully present in the moment with them. When we are practicing presence, we communicate without words: You matter. I’m here. I’m not rushing past this moment with you.
We all know what it feels like when someone is truly present with us and we also know how it feels when they are with us physically, but their thoughts are somewhere else. When someone is paying attention, we feel: You see me. You’re here with me. You are not in your head, you are really listening to what I am saying.
How do we do this as we gather with family and friends in the weeks ahead?
Put our phones down when someone starts talking.
Look into your child’s, partner’s, or loved one’s eyes and really see them.
Consider what someone is saying instead of thinking of what you are about to say.
Actually taste the meal someone cooked for you or the cookie they baked.
Open the gift as if you know the giver is excited for you to receive it.
Let a story unfold without rushing to correct, fix, advise, or interrupt.
Allow extra time to sit and be with people.
See everyone as a loving soul who longs to feel loved and appreciated for who they are.
Holidays bring more distractions: more people, more noise, more gatherings, more emotions (joy, nostalgia, tension, hurt feelings, loneliness), and more expectations (family traditions, social obligations, memory making). All of this makes our nervous systems go into high gear over-thinking, over-planning, over-scheduling, and over-people-pleasing.
Practicing presence can help our nervous systems feel calmer in the chaos of life.
We can also practice being extra present with ourselves during the holidays. Grief, exhaustion, resentment, anxiety, and disappointment can run high this time of year. Pausing to ask yourself, “what do I need right now?” can help build awareness of your inner needs. Give yourself permission to slip away for a few minutes into a quiet room, outside for fresh air, or step away from the crowd to allow an emotional wave to pass through you. Hold your own hand through the holidays.
Presence with others and yourself might be the most loving gift you can give this year.
As you practice presence, you let people know they are important to you, they matter more than anything that needs to be done, and they are loved just as they are. Give this to others and yourself too.
Your presence reading this is a present to me,
Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish friends, the menorah is a beautiful symbol reminding us of the continuous presence of God and the presence of light in the darkness.