Rift Repair

In relationships, we naturally have drifts and rifts. 

Author Shasta Nelson has written multiple books on friendships and she describes a drift as, “when two people have less in common due to life changes or personal preferences.  There's typically no big break-up or blow-up, it's just two people moving apart.” 

She describes a rift as, “when an event or behavior causes damage to our relationship leaving us hurt, angry, or confused for what we'd consider a grievance or mistake.”

I have noticed drifts in my life with friends who I went to college with, people who were parents of my children’s friends that changed schools, graduate school friends, former co-workers, cousins I rarely see now, and neighbors I’ve lost touch with. These are all very normal as our lives change seasons, locations, jobs, neighborhoods, etc. Allowing people to drift away without guilt on either party is a peace-giving way to live. There wasn’t an issue between us, our lives just took different paths. I’m grateful to all of the people who have walked with me through various seasons of life. I have fond thoughts when I reflect upon them.

Drifting apart doesn’t me the love stops, just the contact drifts away. Drifts are a normal part of life.

Rifts are another story. Rifts are times when I have messed up in our relationship or the other person messed up and we haven’t yet discussed what happened. Rifts deserve repair. If we don’t repair a rift, we carry a toxicity in our bodies about that relationship. When we think of that person, we may feel guilt, remorse, or disappointment.

Repairing a rift sets both parties free.

Repair liberates us from the pain of the rift. But, healing a rift can take some courage. It is hard to bring these things back up, but it is also hard to carry the yuck feeling of thinking about the rift. This is a case where we have to pick our hard. 

Rifts deserve repair. 

In working with many people suffering from rifts in their lives, I highly encourage all of us to repair rifts because there is such peace and freedom on the other side of the awkward moment. It is hard to bring up old hurts, but it is a gift you give to yourself of a clear conscience. 

Repair helps us live with a clear conscience.

Writing a letter is good for repair if you are too worried about the in-person conflict that might arise. Write from a place of appreciation for the relationship, sadness for the outcome of the rift, and an apology that shows your responsibility for your role in the rift. You may never hear back from the other person, but at least you clear your conscience of the tension when you think about this person. 

If you have a rift from your past that is way over do for repair, you might decide that repair isn’t possible anymore. The person may be deceased, it might be too complicated to re-contact them, or you don’t know how to reach them anymore. Allow yourself to close the file on this relationship by replaying the rift and see if you can view it differently this time. Can you see each person’s responsibility in this rift? Can you have compassion for the other person as well as yourself. You might need to write a letter that you don’t send, or talk out loud as if that person was there with you, or confide in a friend about this rift. Describe what you wish you would have done differently, why you did what you did, and close with sending this person love and well wishes. You might use something like “May they be well, may they be happy, may we both have peace about this and feel a sense of repair.” 

Making mistakes is part of being human.

We do it every day. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Really good people make mistakes and then they repair the damage. It’s the repair that really matters. It is never too late to make a repair. 

Good people aren’t perfect, good people repair things. 

Consider the people you have drifted away from that were once an important part of your life. Send loving gratitude to them now - bring their image to mind and then envision them surrounded by love and goodness. 

Consider those with whom you have encountered a rift. How could you repair this? Decide to take the steps to make a repair or decide that you won’t continue to torture yourself by over-thinking about this rift. You have options: Release it. Repair and reconnect. Repair and release. You decide what is best for you. 

There is peace on the other side of repair.

I’m on this journey with you,