Managing Disappointment

I’ve had a few conversations recently about the deep quiet pain of disappointment. I’ve noticed in these conversations how multi-layered disappointment is and how many of us face it more often than we would like. 

Disappointment invites us into a deep conversation with ourselves. 

A conversation ends differently than you expected. A promise quietly goes unfulfilled. Someone you trusted lets you down. Something you looked forward to gets cancelled. A dream never comes to fruition. A creative idea faces resistance. The concept you were excited about exceeds the finances available. A pregnancy test isn’t what you wanted. You never hear back on what you thought was a great interview. The offer on the house falls through. The attraction is only one-sided. Your body is aging and unable to do what I want to do. You are alone and don’t want to be. The connection is ghosted. The prayers go unanswered. 

Disappointment is a big part of being human, we all share in this human experience. 

Some of us say, “it’s fine” and sweep it under the rug. Some of us get angry and demand explanations. Some quietly imagine all of the reasons why as they lie awake at 3 am. Some see it as a sign confirming the belief, “nothing goes my way.” Some can’t understand why everything seems to align for everyone but them. Some will take another course of action to get what they want.

We all deal with disappointment in various ways. 

Disappointment stems from an expectation. 

We begin to imagine the future and form an expectation of how this might go, look, feel like, create, bring to us, spark, lead to, and mean. Imagining and envisioning how you want something to be is hope. But, the risk of hope is disappointment. A life without hope isn’t what any of us want.  

Disappointment is grief of loss about the story we imagined. 

The story we told ourselves, the hope we gave ourselves, and the future we began imagining gets cancelled. We lose a version of something we wanted to be real, but we just learned it isn’t going to be real. The future is not as we imagined it would be. We can begin imagining it differently, but there is a moment of grief in the loss of the original vision, that is the disappointment we feel. 

The first layer of disappointment is, “I didn’t get what I wanted,” but the second layer is the important one to investigate deeper: “why did I want it?”

Often times the “why” sounds something like this: I wanted you to see me and understand me. I wanted to matter to you. I wanted you to keep your word. I wanted to have fun with you. I thought that dream would be the right path for my life. I wanted you to like my idea. I want enough money to allow me to do things. I want to be a parent or I’m not ready to be a parent. I want to be wanted. I want to be chosen. I want to be loved. I want to be physically able to do the things I want to do. I don’t want to be alone. I want connection. I want to know whom I’m praying to is real. 

Disappointment points us to see a need that hasn’t been met yet. 

Identifying that need is where we can mine the gold of our inner lives. If what I thought I wanted isn’t happening, then what do I need instead? 

Disappointment without the introspection disempowers us. 

With introspection, we can turn a moment of disappointment into empowered action. First we grieve the loss of what we had imagined, next we ask why we wanted it, then we take action to create it for ourselves, find a solution, or practice self-compassion and honesty about what’s next. 

Allow disappointment to fuel your courage instead of stopping you. 

There is always more ahead. You are creative beings, you will overcome disappointments and find something even better. You always do. 

Hope is worth it,