Your Inner Roommates

In Michael Singer’s book, The Untethered Soul, I was introduced to the idea of inner roommates and it clicked with me that the voice of criticism in my head was just an annoying inner roommate - like a real roommate, following me around the house, commenting on everything that I do in an overly critical manner. As a homeowner, I would likely ask that roommate to find another place to live, but our inner roommates live rent-free in our heads for our entire lives. 

Singer writes, “In case you haven’t noticed, you have a mental dialogue going on inside your head that never stops. It just keeps going and going. Have you ever wondered why it talks in there? How does it decide what to say and when to say it? How much of what it says turns out to be true? How much of what it says is even important? And if right now you are hearing, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t have any voice inside my head!”—that’s the voice we’re talking about…There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind — you are the one who hears it.” 

In the 10 years since reading Singer’s words for the first time, I have practiced becoming the observer of my inner roommates and offered this as a tool to my clients. For most of us, this awareness has resulted in needing to do some rearranging of our internal power structures.

I realized that I had given my inner critic the most power in my mind and allowed it to be the primary voice I listened to. And yet, there was a beautiful encourager who I had moved down to the basement long ago and forgot about her. I realized that I needed to rearrange my house and move the encourager to the big room and the critic to the basement, to be heard from only when I truly need to improve something. 

Who lives in the House of You? You are the watcher and observer of these inner roommates. See if you can name some of them.  

In my house, there is a critic, encourager, worrier, fun-lover, risk-taker, spiritual-seeker, academic, laughing-enthusiast, protector, creative-explorer, self-doubter, compassionate-coach, and many others I continue to uncover. These are all parts of me, and I am learning to love all of my roommates and their idiosyncrasies. And, even though, some of the more aggressive ones take over sometimes, it is up to me to keep the house in balance. Periodically, I have to call a figuriative kitchen table meeting where I gather the roommates and review the house rules. The newest house rules are: the critic must remain silent if I wake up in the middle of the night, the encourager needs to increase her volume because it is hard to hear her, and the fun-lover gets to run the show in the summer months. 

What rules might you need to review with your inner roommates this week? Who is running the show in the House of You?

All of our inner roommates are an integral part of us. They make up the complex beautiful human that you are. Naming your inner roommates is a tool that helps to remember that you are in charge of the house. You make the rules. You deicide who gets to speak up and when. You assign who gets to have a prominent role and who is less active in the house. 

Observe and watch your inner roommates. When you are driving, working, trying something new, in the shower pondering life, and during conversations, ask yourself:

What part of me is showing up right now? What does that part need? Is that part of my helpful or harmful at this moment? 

You own the house, make sure your inner roommates are behaving the way you want them to and being helpful. Your soul deserves a peaceful home.

From my complex mind to yours,