Discomfort Resilience

I first heard Pema Chödrön use the term “discomfort resilience” in a talk I was watching online, and since then, I’ve noticed the phrase getting more airtime.

The idea is that we all need to increase our discomfort resilience: the ability to sit with, notice, manage, and learn from discomfort rather than escaping it, numbing it, or reaching for unhealthy coping mechanisms.

We are known as a nation of over-drinkers, over-eaters, over-medicators, over-spenders, and over-doers. We are people seeking comfort wherever we can find it. What we often lack is the capacity to hold uncomfortable emotions, physical unease, and disappointment. We like to escape, numb, and distract ourselves as quickly as possible.

I was keenly aware of my own discomfort yesterday.

My husband was flying over the Atlantic Ocean at the same time my son was embarking upon a 19-hour drive to his summer job in Pennsylvania.

I was sad to say goodbye to Chase, who will be gone for two months. I was worried about him driving alone, and I couldn’t stop the intrusive images in my mind of a horrible car wreck we had witnessed earlier this summer. Then, after Chase left the driveway, I checked the flight app and saw Rob’s plane over the ocean between continents.

It was a vulnerable morning.

So, I did what Pema suggested.

I sat with it.

I sat in my favorite chair on the patio, put my hand on my heart, and told the birds, “I don’t like this feeling.”

I named how I felt: afraid, vulnerable, uncertain, fragile. I noticed my heart beating fast. I noticed my imagination creating unlikely scenarios. So I closed my eyes and listened to the birds sing.

One deep breath after another.

Just me, the birds, and the discomfort.

And then, I noticed a wave of calm and that feeling of discomfort begin to dissipate. I was still concerned about them, but naming how I felt honored the emotion instead of denying it. Once I honored it, the feeling seemed to loosen its grip on me.

I used to think honoring a feeling would make it more intense, but honoring a feeling actually diffuses it.

My son’s discomfort resilience is building quickly this summer. He knows no one at Pine Forest Camp. He is serving as a counselor and will sleep in a cabin with boys for two months. He is a ropes course guide, where he will need to be brave in order to help kids be brave. He will celebrate his 21st birthday with his camp kids. Oh, and the camp is electronics-free.

His resilience is building with each mile, each day, and each week this summer.

He sought out this job and wanted to challenge himself in this way. He knows it will be good for him.

Discomfort is good for us. There is clinical research to support this. Grit is something humans need to develop. If we can get stronger on a good day, we are more prepared when the hard days come.

Being human comes with a lot of discomfort.

The good news is that we can improve our discomfort resilience. We practice it by facing discomfort instead of running from it.

Name it.
Observe it.
Feel it.
Notice where it lives in your body.
Send love to the places that ache.

Love yourself through the discomfort. That is how we become more resilient.

Some things to consider:

• What have you experienced lately that caused you discomfort?

• Where in your life do you currently feel pain, tension, or unease?

• Can you sit with that awareness, notice it, and honor the discomfort you feel?

• Is there something you are afraid to do, but you know it might stretch you toward growth?

Maybe this week, we could each choose to do something that feels hard rather than avoid it.

Do the thing. Notice the discomfort. Show compassion to yourself. Then press on. Make yourself proud that you did something hard.

Deep breaths, all will be well,