Comparison as Longing
/We have likely all heard the phrase: Comparison is the thief of joy.
It really is.
We are happy with something until we see someone with something better. We are satisfied until we see the new updated version is available. We feel good until we see bodies that make us look at our own with disgust. We feel at peace with our progress until we see someone who got results faster.
Maybe in our modern world: Social media is the thief of joy.
Social media may seem fun at first, but it is also an injection of comparison. In our hands lies ammunition to silently tear ourselves to shreds as we scroll and see what we could have, what we could accomplish, what we could look like.
We’ve always had comparison in our systems as humans, but we have to learn to use it for progress not destruction. Unchecked, comparison can lead us to withdraw, shut down, avoid, become bitter, fuel anger, feed anxious rumination, and lead to depressive thinking.
However, when used with wisdom, comparison is a map to show you inner longings.
Comparison reveals to us a hidden message about what we long to have, feel, or do.
Where do you compare yourself to others?
Is it what someone has? Those thoughts might sound like:
She has more help than I do.
He has better connections.
They have more money.
He has more time.
She has more followers.
He has the body I want.
I wish I had her freedom.
Everything just seems to work out for her.
A home like theirs would make me happy.
I wish I had her confidence.
Their family is so close and supportive.
Is it what someone feels? Those thoughts might sound like:
She is so fulfilled.
He seems peaceful.
They enjoy their jobs.
I want to feel that alive.
They seem happier than we are.
He has less stress than me.
She seems like she knows who she is.
They seem to have a lot of fun together.
She seems proud of herself.
He feels like he belongs in that crowd.
She is valued in her family.
I’m not as interesting as they are.
She makes it look so easy.
Is it what someone does or doesn’t do? Those thoughts might sound like:
He is more disciplined than I am.
She creates more consistently.
Am I wasting my life?
They travel to amazing places.
He takes better care of himself.
She works harder than I do.
He follows through.
She takes risks.
They put themselves out there.
She’s so much further along than I am.
I should have figured this out by now.
Everyone else seems to know what they’re doing.
Why didn’t I start sooner?
They seem to know what to say.
She doesn’t overthink everything.
He doesn’t seem to struggle like I do.
She doesn’t hold herself back.
He doesn’t need as much reassurance.
They don’t seem afraid to try.
Next time you hear one of these thoughts looping in your brain, pause and ask yourself, “what is it I’m longing for?” See if you can name what it is you want and why you feel lack when you compare yourself to someone else. Someone having something we want only creates a sense of lack in us if we let it.
When you get clear on what you really long for, then you can either move toward getting it for yourself or decide you really don’t want it after all.
This practice helps to interrupt negative scarcity-based thinking and shift you into possibilities. When I do this with clients, they usually realize that they really don’t want the thing they thought they did, their inner longing is for something much deeper than that. It often has the flavor of love, connection, security, belonging, mattering, purpose, meaning, creativity, or fun.
If social media feeds the voice of comparison within you, then take a break from it for a week or two and notice how that voice quiets down.
Comparison can be a self-torturous choice we make.
Help yourself escape from it by removing the sources of comparison.
If watching others gives you inspiration, that’s healthy. If it feeds your inner critic, take a break and go do something you love doing.
You are glorious and one of a kind!
Go be you and do life on your terms.
More fun, less comparing,
