Ho'oponopono

One of the hardest parts of being human is hurting or being hurt by people we love. It is inevitable that we will have conflict in our relationships, but the important thing is how we handle the repair. One of my favorite practices for repair is ho’oponopono - pronounced ho-o-poh-no-poh-no (say it aloud a few times and you’ll get it.)

Ho‘oponopono is an indigenous Hawaiian practice of reconciliation, forgiveness, and making things right.

Traditionally, it was used within families and communities to restore harmony after conflict.

It is an offering of four phrases: I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. 

To practice ho‘oponopono, you would say these four phrases slowly, sincerely, and authentically to someone you harmed. The “thank you” phrase is to be expressed as gratitude for gaining the person’s forgiveness.

I’ve also used this practice as a self-compassion tool.

Place your hand on your heart and say to yourself: I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. 

This can be healing when you use it for apologizing to your body for not liking certain features. It is powerful when you have betrayed yourself by not protecting a boundary. It can be a balm for times when we are overly critical of ourselves. And I’ve found it helpful when I over-work, over-stress, and need to apologize to myself for pressure to be productive and not resting. 

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

Four phrases that offer so much repair to other people and to ourselves. 

Ho’oponopono softens our hearts, helps us take responsibility for our behaviors, reduces resentment, and offers reconnection.  

If you aren’t quite ready to speak the words aloud, try it as a meditation practice. Bring to mind the person you want to apologize to and while thinking of them offer the four phrases. Do this until you feel ready to express it to the person. Even just the intention and meditation work can begin to soften both of your hearts. It’s a phenomenon I’ve watched many times - my observation is that the repair energetically begins when the intention for repair begins. 

I offered this practice to a client recently who had a parent die suddenly without getting to apologize for some big hurts. My client, through tears, offered these four phrases to his deceased parent. It was so profound to watch the guilt and resentment melt away for him. And then we imagined the parent offering these same four phrases back to his son. It was a very healing moment for him and he described feeling a huge weight lifted off of his shoulders. I asked him if I could share this with you because I felt like someone reading this might find it useful too. 

Humility, compassion, gratitude, and love. Those ingredients make for a powerful transformative practice. 

These sentiments help us move out of defensiveness and pain into release and repair. The simplicity in this practice is what makes it profound. I know many of our conflicts are complex and complicated, but the simplicity of these four phrases is a great place to start. 

Ho’oponopono reminds us to have faith that harmony can be restored in our relationships if we are willing to soften and return to love. 

Return to love. When you don’t know what to do, return to love.